Backwards on the Stairmaster

But is it safe?

2009-09-02T18:47:00.002-04:00

New Sensa sprinkles-- hmmm... might be worth a try!

Sea Jogging

2009-08-21T23:53:00.003-04:00

Today I was in Redington beach with my honey, just the two of us.

We took care of some business, then went swimming. I tell ya: sea jogging is killer, but only a few hours after you're done! While you are doing it, it is the most fun thing to do, and you don't even sweat while doing it.

If I lived near a beach, I doubt I would have any weight problems. It is too warm to overeat, and there are so many fun water activities.

FU(LL) BAR

2009-08-13T01:36:00.007-04:00

Today, while shopping for a 3-minute egg timer at Bed, Bath and Beyond (the little hourglass kind, to time Stefan's potty sitting-- whole other post) I found a display of the Fullbar.

Created by a bariatric surgeon, these bars are supposed to stretch the upper part of your stomach, tricking your brain into thinking you are full. They are to be eaten 30 minutes before meals, and are purported to make you eat less.

Since it was way after lunchtime and I was very hungry, I grabbed two to try: the peanut butter and the cocoa chip.

I ate the cocoa one in the car, then followed with a drink of water.

My first impression was that they were glorified Rice Krispie treats. Kinda spongy, OK in flavor, but nothing to write home about. The bar did make me feel full, but then, so would anything that would soak up water and expand inside the stomach.

The Fullbar is a good idea, but has 30g of carbs, which I consider to be rather high - not worth it, given the so-so flavor factor.

Moreover, I suspect I could get the same results by eating a rice cake with some dark chocolate, (or peanut butter) and avoid ingesting the following ingredients: Brown Rice Syrup, Partially Hydrogenated Palm Kernel Oil, Anhydrous Dextrose, Soy Lecithin, Salt, Soy Protein Concentrate, Honey, Gum Arabic, Glycerin, Agave Syrup, Canola Oil, (more) Salt, and (the mystery) Natural Flavors.

I actually intend to try that tomorrow. I could eat the rice cake and chocolate separately, therefore having more bites to take and more chewing to do.

Man. That sounds pathetic. Or funny, depending on your perspective.

Not to mention that the name of this thing cuts it really close to FUBAR.

She wants to take over

2009-08-12T00:25:00.007-04:00

Today was hard.

I had the shortest fuse in the universe, and would have given anything to escape and just go somewhere quiet, but I had things at home that absolutely had to get done.

You see, I am going through carb withdrawal. After a few weeks of eating absolutely anything I wanted, I have reached the point where, if I don't cease and desist immediately, all the hard work over the past year will have gone to, um, waist. As in, "I spelled it that way because I feel my inner Michelin Woman taking over."

Today my only carb fix was whatever was in a tiny portion of dark chocolate chips from Ghirardelli. I would have killed for some cookies. Or some caramel. But I held strong.

Oh, and I got in about 30 minutes of hooping, which I am happy to report, I enjoyed.

Need to focus on patting myself on the back for doing that half hour, rather than beat myself up because I didn't hoop for a full hour.

But you can bet I'll do the full hour tomorrow. Because Michelin Woman must be kept at bay.

PS-- Check out the photo Janet Jackson chose to place on her website. Interesting that she would choose this one, huh?

It's intrinsic-- it really is

2009-08-11T16:33:00.003-04:00

My long-awaited new hoop arrived moments ago, from Customhoop.com.
I already have the two-pounder, but it has been giving me problems, namely, too much pressure on my pelvic area. It just feels as if I am doing some sort of damage if I hoop for extended periods with it, so I ordered one that is one pound, only.

Excuses are no longer an option.

The hoop is here, my brother-in-law is downstairs picking up my niece and Stefan is resting (hopefully napping, soon) so all I have to do now is put on a show *I* want to watch, and go for it.

My Pilates teacher also called, twice, wanting to know if I intend to restart in the fall. The answer is: I don't know. I took a break because she had knee surgery, and, truthfully, because I needed a break, too. Not from the training, which is great, but from another thing I *have* to do, another place I *have* to be.

The biggest stress in my life is the tight schedule, that during the school year, is crazy, and not very flexible. So, I do not know what I want to do. Yeah, I do know what I want to do: keep my money and buy a Reformer, and work out when *I* want to. Problem is, more often than not, I do not want to.

Good grief, I think the greatest difficulty for people is overcoming their intrinsic laziness. Which I intend to do right after I click on "publish post."

Be careful what you do...with your lemons.

2009-08-10T16:09:00.006-04:00

So, I have allowed myself enough time to be sad and wallow in my Michael Jackson funk.

Today, I think I'm done.

This is how I have dealt with sadness over the past 10 years or so. It works for me. I give myself a limited time to be bummed, after which, it's, "OK, that's enough, get over it already, let it go, and face the sunshine."

Unfortunately, Michael Jackson never did that. After weeks of reading up on him, I have come to the following conclusion:

Attitude killed Michael Jackson.

I challenge you to think of anyone, past or present, who has had a 100% perfect life. All of us are born with one deck or another stacked against us. It is what you choose to do with that deck that makes the difference. You can either wallow in your misfortune, or you grab those lemons and make, not only lemonade, but heck, a lemon drop martini!

Michael chose, instead, to let his lemons rot. In the end, they wound up looking like those you find in the corner of your refrigerator drawer-- you know the ones, with the greenish, fuzzy mold, the ones that that fall apart into a pile of stinky slime when you attempt to pick them up.

A shame, because along with those lemons, he was dealt a wealth of exotic, unique fruit. Yet he chose to focus on the lemons, lemons, lemons, until he self-destructed.

This light bulb went on in my head last night, when I found this 1993 footage of Michael being honored by his sister, Janet, at the 35th Annual Grammy Awards. Part one shows how he managed to accomplish so very much, and how appreciated and admired he was for his works and charity. Part 1

In part two, however, after he accepts the award and makes a great joke about finally dispelling the myth that he and Janet are one and the same, instead of focusing on the wonderful fruits for which he was just honored, he turns right around and goes on and on about the lemons. Part2

At the risk of sounding devoid of compassion, I must admit that it was an eye-rolling moment for me. "Oh, get over it, already, " I muttered.

Michael lived his life lamenting what "was done to him." He did not take responsibility for the bad things; no, they were all done to him.

And at that moment, I was able to let go of my anguish and grief, realizing that no matter who you are, your life is what you choose to make of it.

Rest in peace, Michael Jackson.

And now, in your honor, I head downstairs to make myself a thriller of a lemon drop martini.

No More Dancing Feet

2009-08-10T01:25:00.007-04:00

Something is going on with me. What? I am not sure.
I wake up in a pool of sweat, often in the middle of the night, and during the day I have very little energy. It is as if someone pulled my plug, and I am running on low battery.

I know menopause has her bony toe in my door, attempting to begin pushing it open. That would explain the night sweats. But why didn't this happen a few months ago, when I was avoiding carb overload and doing such a great job controlling myself?

I eat healthfully in the morning, and by evening, the Carb Monster shows up, demanding to be fed, like the grotesque Little Shop of Horrors plant.

When it rumbles, "Feed me!" I go on autopilot.

And, no, I still have not brushed the dust off my hoop, nor done anything more with my me time than lie around, or sit here, watching Michael Jackson videos and reading biographies and magazines about him. At times I think I'm over his death, and a few hours later, here I am, crying over some rare little sun-breaks-through-clouds smile he gave during an award show or interview.

Why?

After over a month of feeling like a fool, I think I've finally figured out what's happening to me. I think somewhere deep inside, I am feeling as if Michael Jackson's death is the slow beginning of the end for me. A vibrant, talented person who was always somewhere out there during my entire lifetime is now gone, lying in a refrigerator at Forest Lawn Cemetery. His lightning-fast dancing feet have been stilled, his unmistakable voice, silenced.

He is not coming back. Ever.

I realize I am not only mourning and grieving for Michael Jackson.

Oh, no, it's so much more.

I am grieving for the younger me.

The one who's never coming back.

BDD Demons

2009-08-05T23:41:00.018-04:00

Ever since June 25, I have been more and more obsessed with Michael Jackson. I have been voraciously taking in, daily, anything and everything I can find on him. I have perused You Tube, watched countless interviews with him and with people who knew him, sat through footage of videos, older and newer, even the press coverage of the now infamous sex molestation trials.

Over the past month, I have obsessively searched for an answer to the question, "What happened?" His premature death is haunting me, and the more I read about him, the more perplexed and fascinated I become.

The last time I had really paid attention to Michael Jackson was when he came out with "Bad." After that, I got turned off by the constant plastic surgeries and reports of his increasingly strange behavior. He ceased to be an amazing artist and began to be a tabloid caricature, not worthy of more than a passing glance and a shake of the head.

But he was always there, someone who was part of everyday life, appearing now and then in the press as an eccentric has-been, who dangled his (suspiciously white) baby off a balcony and further distorted his already messed-up face every 6 months. I would read yet another weirdo Jackson story, roll my eyes, and pay zero attention to any and all music and work he released.

I was actually on Twitter the moment TMZ reported that he was being taken to the hospital, in cardiac arrest-- and I remember thinking it must be a mistake.

The man was, give a few years, my age, and way too young for heart failure.
An hour later, I sat there, unable to believe the words on the screen: "Michael Jackson has died."

Michael Jackson, dead? Impossible. People I've "known" since childhood who are my age can't die. They can't. Especially slender people with dancer's bodies, who get a lot of exercise and have personal chefs cooking up nutritious meals.

I had no idea, at the time, of his drug habit, his insane usage of anesthesia, of all things, for sleep, nor of his anorexic tendencies. He restricted himself to one meal a day. He would go for days without eating, and, when he was working, sometimes his manager would feed him his usual once-a-day meal of broccoli and grilled chicken, as one would feed a child, because Michael would be so engrossed in what he was composing that he just would not take the time to eat.

The next few posts will be about Michael Jackson.

Why? What does this have to do with an exercise blog?

Ah, glad you asked. You see, Michael was suffering from a horrible thing called Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
In an interview I saw with Oprah, he admitted that he could not look in the mirror because he was never happy with what he saw. That when he was a teenager, his father had called him ugly and teased him about his face, making him so self-conscious that he cried, wanting to die.

Gee... sounds familiar.

I still hear my dad saying, "You are fat. " The last time he said it wasn't too long ago; it was when I was pregnant with my older son. I was so proud of myself, because I only gained 22 pounds over the course of the entire pregnancy, and yet at 5 months, when all I had was a teeny bump, he said, "Yeah, you've gained weight, but you will lose it, I'm sure, later. Oh, but your belly will be stretched. It's going to hang."

I was devastated. I truly expected, "You look wonderful and are doing so well, controlling the weight." But, no, as he had beginning when I was 13, he went on and on about me being fat and how I had to "Take weight off."

Parental tapes are so deeply embedded in the subconscious. Even after our parents stop criticizing us, the tapes play in our minds, over and over again, and they are very, very hard to tune out.

Some of us are lucky, and find a support system that keeps us from repeatedly listening to the tapes, and hopefully stops us from being self-destructive. Others, who are not so lucky, go about battling their demons alone, and end up irreparably damaged and full of self-loathing.

And some end up dead.

I stop here tonight, and am posting a picture published in Ebony in 1985. It is an artist's rendition of what Michael Jackson might look like when he turned 40. Of course, back then, all he had done was narrow his nose, making him absolutely adorable. He didn't need to do a thing more; he had a gorgeous facial structure, sexy lips, soulful eyes, and a smile to die for. Tragic, that he was unable to see just how beautiful he truly was. Even more tragic, that instead of looking like this when he turned 40, he ended looking like...well, like exactly what he tried so desperately to avoid.

I heart Resveratrol

2009-08-04T15:39:00.008-04:00

Used to be that solo drinkers were considered closet alcoholics.

I remember back in the 90s when the wine mania began in the United States, hearing women say, "I am at home, enjoying a glass of wine," and thinking, "Drunk. Boozer. Dipsomaniac."

How could one drink alone? It was unthinkable.

Fast forward almost 20 years, and here I am, at 4 PM, BWD (Blogging while Drinking) and actually feeling pretty good about it, given the recent research on Resveratrol and the mounting evidence that one daily glass of wine can be beneficial.

Add to that another day of repeatedly interrupting screaming and crying fits, while trying to figure out which of the three needed to be reprimanded, and I am actually thinking I earned the darned thing.

I have my hoop ready to go, and am looking forward to a nice, core-tightening, back-loosening session.
But first, I intend to relish every drop of my Feteasca Neagra, my favorite wine in the whole, wide world. Not only is its lush, berry/plum bouquet inimitable, but Romanian wine never gives me heartburn and sulfite headaches, which, sadly, a nice Château Lafitte inevitably does.
Cheers.

The Slippery Slope or MMMMmmm Caramel...

2009-08-04T00:02:00.005-04:00

Wow.
It has been almost a year since I posted here.
How to encapsulate a whole year in a blog post?
Well, if I keep it about fitness, then it shouldn't be too hard.

I feel myself slipping again. For the longest while, I had control, and somewhere along the line I got lazy and lost focus.

Much easier to scarf down Starbucks coffee ice cream with Mrs. Richardson's butterscotch caramel topping and candied pecans mixed in. All on a wonderful Oreo cone. MMMM... caramel.

Yeah, I am still a caramel junkie. It seems to be my downfall. 5PM seems to be the time I usually stop being good and just go on autopilot, looking for sweets. It is also the time when I look forward to my niece being picked up, turning me back into a caretaker of only two, as opposed to three, children.

Oh, I could go on and on about the current childcare arrangement, which has been going on now for almost three years. In the beginning, it was easier, because when the nanny left, my niece would nap, and so would Stefan, so I was able to wind down and, yes, hoop.

Nowadays, not only has the schedule become much more demanding (her parents demanded that I stop the naps because she was still bouncing off the walls at 11PM) but so has she. The child is used to saying, "I WANT" and it being handed to her 99% of the time, with no demands that she employ a nicer way of requesting. And although that doesn't work with me, it works with the nanny, who often gets leave early because it is just easier to deal with the kids myself.

You see, you don't mess with Auntie Rose.

Recently, the phenomenon of tattling has begun, and the parents get "MAMA I WANTED A LOLLIPOP AND AUNTIE AND NANNY SAID NO!" right as they walk in, which, of course, will get her three lollipops. And my nanny will get a very dirty look.

Enough complaining, because it isn't nice. OK, one more thing and then I'll change the subject: the LOUD meltdowns and the drama fits are starting to really try my patience. If I am anywhere in sight, they don't occur. But if I am not around, such as upstairs...you get the picture.

So Auntie Rose stress eats. And stress eats more when third child is picked up late. This week it is happening a lot, because BIL is overseas, and SIL is rarely capable of being on time-- unless it's a concert or other fun event, in which case she is the first to be ready.

So, when the house is finally quiet and my boys are watching TV and chilling, my thoughts and footsteps turn to the freezer.

The pounds and flab are slowly creeping back, and if I am not careful, I will be in really big (literally) trouble.

Which is why, starting tomorrow, I am back on the hoop, baby.

Brass ring within reach

2008-08-06T17:25:00.006-04:00

Recently, I met up with an online friend, who let me know that I have not posted since January. January! Holy cow!

So much has happened since January.

I have finally won, I think. I am talking about the war with my ham (what I affectionately called the stubborn roll around my waist.)

My main weapon was an adult hula hoop. I have so much to write here, but for now, I will just announce this:

This morning, I weighed myself and found, to my utter shock, that I have finally broken the number barrier.

139

One thirty nine.

I have not weighed less than 140 pounds in years and years.

The best part, though, is reaching a size 8, and having my size 8 pants become loose over the past week.

My goal of a size 6 is very, very close.

Oh, and my back and SI pain are gone, also courtesy of the hooping.

I can't tell you how wonderful I feel.

Well, OK, I will.

Very soon.

Yet more ear infections -- but I think I've got it!!!

2008-01-20T00:03:00.000-05:00

We just finished yet another round of antibiotics, this time, with Pediazole.

But Stefan has yet another ear infection, and Boom has fluid. I have been going insane trying to come up with an alternative to all these antibiotics-- because the definition of stupidity is, as we all know, repeating the same thing and expecting different results.

I think I've found two ways to kick this thing: one is Xylitol -- Xlear nose spray!

And the other is lymphatic massage.

I will try both tomorrow. I am also using horribly stinky Gaia ear drops, which smell like rotten garlic, until Tuesday. Hopefully, by then, this thing will have finally cleared up. And the Xlear will help prevent any more bugs from causing infections, well, that will simply make my entire year.

More ear infections

2008-01-02T15:27:00.001-05:00

I had a suspicion that Boom has a sinus infection, but it turns out that both have ear bugs again.

I will not start the year pissed, I will not start the year pissed, I will not start the year pissed.

2008-01-01T21:34:00.000-05:00

Here's to a wonderful 2008.

My resolutions? There are only two.

1) Enjoy the present

2) Spend more time with, and lavish attention and affection on, my husband

2007-12-30T11:22:00.000-05:00

Very, very, very tired and frustrated with these colds.
Both boys are sick, yet again.
One of Boom's presents was a pair of very coveted football game tickets. He has 102 fever-- it doesn't look like a go at this point.
I was up most of the night because of his coughing.
I am hearing "Mama" every 10 seconds.
Have I mentioned that I am so frikkin' tired of staying in the house every weekend, taking care of sick people? I want to go out and do something, for pete's sake.
Please, please, Cold Fairy, go to someone else's house. You've overstayed your welcome here.

2007-12-18T20:33:00.000-05:00

There is so much going on here, especially in my head, that things are beginning to slide off my plate in large chunks.

The hours in the day seem short, and I keep reminding myself to stop and enjoy.

If only I could feel as if I've accomplished a lot at the end of each day, insted of falling farther and farther behind, I would feel fabulous. I feel as if I'm putting out small fires, while the large one rages on, right behind me, burning my butt cheeks once in a while. I turn, squirt some water at the flames, temporarily putting the heat at bay, knowing it will come to burn me in the ass in a matter of days-- or even hours.

It isn't helping that Thursday is the one year anniversary of my mother-in-law's death, and it doesn't help realizing that this will be the day before my husband's birthday, every single year of the remainder of our lives. Puts a sad shadow on his birthday, and Christmas, and New Year's, holidays which used to be full of joy and enjoyment for us.

I am working to think of a way to give all of it meaning, and not have it just be a day where the kids get a lot of toys.

Well, my older son is here whining, so I don't even have the luxury of blogging in peace. Gotta go.
Have I mentioned that lately, I have no peace?

Causes of Stress

2007-12-12T14:25:00.000-05:00

You know what causes stress?

Too much to do, and not enough time in which to do it.
People hired to help, who do not do what they are supposed to, therefore adding to your load (which you thought you had paid to lighten.) Having to sit down and make detailed lists, describing what you need, or just muttering "fuck it" and doing it yourself, because it's quicker. Feeling as if you're pouring money, earned with sweat and tears, down the toilet. Looking for replacements, and not finding anyone.
Too much *stuff* cluttering your home. Piles of papers and catalogs that, if you turn your back, you can swear you hear multiplying.
Toys. Toys, toys, toys, toys, toys, toys. Especially the noise-making ones, and the ones with parts that get separated from the main toy, thereby rendering it unusable. Of course, you keep hoping you will get mother and satellite toy together at some point, so you don't throw out any of them.
Workmen in the home. Things that repeatedly break, making it necessary for said workmen to show up again and again. Workmen showing up late and staying all day, including during what is supposed to be the little ones' nap time. Ohhh, this one is a biggie for me.
Not being able to sleep...again. Waking up at 2AM in a cold sweat. Feeling threatened, and not knowing when, or if, the threat is really coming.
Having to go to New York on business for 3 days and worrying about everything at home that you've *just* managed to get balanced (including your kids' complicated diets, complete with herbal drops and different supplements, 3 times a day.) Wishing you could just stay home, because things will fall apart and your children will be sad. Feeling as if you're going away at their emotional and physical expense. Being pissed about not being excited and happy to go to Pre-Christmas in New York. Putting off packing because you're just too damned tired.
Feeling as if your problems are minor, that you have no right to be stressed over these things, thinking people would give a lot to have your problems instead of their own.

Well, at least the boys' ear infections are gone.

2007-12-04T22:25:00.000-05:00

Exhausted.

I ran full steam on 5 hours of sleep, and I am just too old to do that anymore.

Took both boys to Dr. Z. today. Boom and Stefan, he says, need to be adjusted 3 times a week to begin with. I have so many thoughts on this, just too tired to type them out right now.

I don't know if it was the exhaustion, the ear infections, all the school the boys are missing, or the thought that I should take these kids to be adjusted three times a week (*I* just got rid of the crazy three times a week regimen!) that made me sad, sad, sad today. I caught myself just looking at the sky and zoning out. If I hadn't convinced myself, some time ago, not to focus on the lows, and never again to be dragged into the pit of depression, this would have been a real get under the covers and don't talk to anyone kind of a day.

So, I kissed my kids a lot. Hugged them, smelled them, held their tiny hands, felt the tiny bones of their little wrists. And looked at them. My treasures. What am I going to do when they're grown, and they no longer need me?

Later, I dragged myself into the sunshine, purchased ingredients, and cooked. Dinner was 2 kinds of chicken -- herb butter and spicy Jamaican jerk, with extra spices, this corn pudding, grilled veggies, and leftover cheese flan and birthday cake. When my husband came home very late after his gruelling day today, I was able to produce a really nice plate to put in front of him.
This made my soul very happy. There is something very primal in the nurturing of your family. Feeding. It is so basic. And an instant ego booster, if there ever was one.

So, it all ended OK. I'm off to grab some really good sleep so I can be smiling self again tomorrow.

And tomorrow-- well, tomorrow I'm making chef Ramsay's lime panna cotta.

2007-12-03T21:58:00.000-05:00

This morning we had our follow up, and the ear infections are still there in both boys. Not as bad, but definitely still there. Poor Boom is having some trouble hearing, if spoken to too quietly.

At this point, the doctor is pretty sure that it is Streptococcus pneumoniae, because the darned thing is so resistant to antibiotics. She wants me to keep the boys home for at least another 3 days, because she doesn't want then reinfected with anything else at this point, when they are both so weak.

We are on antibiotics for another 10 days. This in addition to 14 days for the first treatment, and 5 days for the second.

This. So. Sucks.

What doesn't suck:

Great Dr. Z. appointment today. I lifted 140 pounds! Tomorrow I take both boys to him. If adjustments will help, then so be it. I'm willing to try anything.

Also, I made a great dinner, inspired by the recipes in Gordon Ramsay's book. There is a wine sauce in there that works with pork very beautifully-- and it is ridiculously easy to make. That, and cheese flan for dessert, made it a very gourmet dinner :)

I'm loving cooking as never before. And, I have to admit, I'm also loving having the boys home.

2007-12-01T20:41:00.000-05:00

Oh, goody. I found a website that will surely help with my birthday and Christmas shopping!

I am thinking of getting Boom Dance Dance Revolution. The child absolutely adores sports and any kind of physical activity-- he's old enough for this, I think! I just hope he doesn't want me to do it with him, LOL. All that jumping would give me a headache.

2007-11-28T23:21:00.000-05:00

Today was not a good day. It's late and I do not have the time or the energy to do any more typing, and my little one has a birthday coming up tomorrow.

Most of what I wanted to do today did not get done, and this caused me lots of stress. I looked and looked for a store at the mall, only to realize it was no longer there, replaced by a calendar store. I got turned around, and could not find my car, then figured out that I had parked at the completely opposite end of the darned place.

In the middle of the day, my husband called, and we agreed to meet for lunch, something we never do anymore. I picked a really great steakhouse, and was over the moon when I met up with him and walked in for an impromptu date.

Long story short: we waited almost an hour for appetizers, and the main courses were left on the counter (we saw them) so long that they got to us cold. When I sent them back to get warmed up, the meat came back burned, and the crab cake, which they insisted they redo, had cold spots. Good thing we were so happy to be together. I can imagine, though, that others may have had a super special occasion that got ruined.

Anyway-- that was not the most annoying point of the day. It was my visit to ~~a "high-end" store where clients get treated like shit~~ Gucci.

More on that when I have time.

Some bug got me, too

2007-11-27T14:28:00.001-05:00

Today I feel like crap.
Sweating, sleepy, muscular weakness, swollen glands, fever of 100.
Bleah.
Oh, and I just finished Garlic and Sapphires: The Secret Life of a Critic in Disguise by Ruth Reichl. Very entertaining. Made me want to go out to dinner, LOL.

Go away, ear infections!

2007-11-26T20:22:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Took both kids to the pediatrician today. Not only are the ear infections still there, but they are even worse. On a scale of 1 to 10, Boom has a 7 and a 5, Stefan, 8 in both ears. In addition, the little one has lost 3 pounds, which is a lot, considering he weighed only 32.

We are on the Z-pack for 5 days, and checkup is on Monday. Both kids are home from school.

I'm thinking that, because I let them have milk whenever they asked, they used the milk to curb hunger pangs, at the expense of food. Even if the "inflammation of the gut" is not correct (and, of course, the pediatrician said it's not) the fact that they drank milk instead of eating food must have weakened them.
They keep asking for milk, and they are told no. So, they drink water or smoothies, and eat food. They both look tired and drawn, poor little guys. I hope they bounce back with the new regimen.

2007-11-25T21:18:00.000-05:00

Today I baked all day. I made these killer buns, using rum and raisins. They were so incredibly good.
The interesting thing is, I used almond milk for the baking, and everything turned out perfect.
Must make more almond milk.

Of course it can't be

2007-11-24T18:21:00.001-05:00

That easy, I mean. It never is, is it?

Note to self: when making abrupt dietary changes, do *not* inform the children. Just give them the new thing and cross your fingers. Boom is very resistant to the almond milk, drinking minute quantities, asking, cautiously, if this is "the new milk from downstairs." He needs fluids, but he is boycotting my efforts with the tenacity of, well, OK, his mother. Today, at my wits' end, I asked him if he would drink the Nido, if I gave it to him, and he nodded. I added one scoop of the powder to his almond milk.
"Does this still have the other stuff in it?"
@@@@@@@@@@!
"Just drink it. "
He drank some, but not all of it.

Stefan, on the other hand, who devours almonds to begin with, absolutely loves the new milk and joyously accepts it, saying, "MMMmmmMMMM, deee-lishus!"

I am thinking I am going to have to ease Boom into it. Hope it doesn't take too long.

Making nut milk also has a pain-in-the-ass factor. I have found that the nuts really should be blanched, the skins removed, otherwise, you get an ugly brown milk. It needs to be very, very well strained, and that all metal sieves are too big to catch the fine particles. If not strained properly, it maintains a gritty texture that tickles the back of the throat in a very unpleasant way.
So, I purchased a very, very finely-meshed bag, which I place on the last, and finest, strainer, pour the milk through without pushing down with anything, then leave it to settle for a while. When pouring, I'm using great care not to agitate the milk, because tiniest particles still settle on the bottom.

Also, it needs to be diluted to at least 4 parts water to 1 part milk. I have added a pinch of salt, too. I'm playing with flavors and textures. This morning I used it in my coffee (the coarse stuff from this morning, before I bought the mesh bag) and it was pretty good. I'm wondering if it needs a bit of sweetener. I guess the only way to perfect it is to compare real milk with this one, and fine tune it. Oh, and I have, soaking, raw cashews and raw pecans. We'll see which one wins.

The trick is going to be knowing what quantity to make so I will have a steady supply without going through all the steps (looks easy on the net, but you get lots of dirty dishes) every few hours.

As far as the kids are concerned, they are both very sick and have fevers. I am not tearing my hair out, but I am deeply disappointed. What was supposed to be a great, fun family long weekend has turned into bed rest, sleepless nights, and comforting miserable little boys. Boom is coughing so much that he is afraid he'll vomit.

I, too, am feeling tired and flushed. Napped with them this afternoon. Will I escape this, the third, cold without catching it?

Stay tuned.

Eureka!

2007-11-24T00:01:00.000-05:00

OMG! Can it be this easy? Can it?

I think I've found a very healthy, perfect replacement for cow milk.

Homemade almond milk!

I got so stoked that I padded downstairs, ransacked the pantry, and now have some nuts soaking in water. Can't wait until morning! I'll let you know how it goes and if the kids accept it! I know I intend to drink it!

You know... with my current way of thinking, I do believe I will soon fit in in California. Next thing you know, I'll be knitting hemp socks.

Naaaah.

Milk: it doesn't do a body good

2007-11-23T20:28:00.000-05:00

Today was a relaxed visit with Dr. Z, because I was the only patient-- and it looks as if the whole building was shut down.

I got diathermy for the first time. I lifted my 130 pounds. And I discussed the non-stop colds my sons are getting.

Dr. Z is thinking that they are drinking too much milk, and that is the cause of the problem.

Before you laugh, here is the rationale:

we were not designed to drink milk beyond infancy, and no animals, calves included, drink milk after weaning

milk contains some proteins that trigger an allergic response in our immune systems, and the immune system is so busy fighting the effects of the milk, that it cannot deal with additional viral invasions, and therefore, it succumbs to them

I am going to add what I have long suspected: they drink so much milk that they don't eat enough solid, nutritious food, so their systems are weak and every virus that knocks, gains entry.

Here is more I found:

Nutritionists hold that milk has two elements -- lactose which is broken down by the body's enzyme, lactase; and casein split by the enzyme, renin. Between the ages of three and four, both these enzymes vanish from our system. Which means that in nature's original prescription, after age four, we should be off milk.

However, if we continue on the milky way, the unbroken casein, a coarse substance used in making wood-glues, gums up our delicate membranes with mucus. Which is why we've not been able to conquer the common cold and are vulnerable to asthma, bronchitis, headaches and subsequently to diabetes, heart problems and cancer.

On the mineral front, imbibing milk as a calcium source is like licking limestone! Being low in magnesium -- calcium's comrade -- milk grandly deposits the[calcium] in us and simultaneously hinders our bones from absorbing it! Whereas all foods grown in the ground suck the entire calcium-magnesium matrix from the soil, incorporates it in their infrastructure and...voila - present a mineral-rich meal on our plate!

Bones are as organically alive as muscles and respond to regular exercise. Brisk walking, jogging or bouncing combined with light-weight training alerts them where they seize and absorb the streaming calcium.

The research continues

2007-11-23T13:47:00.000-05:00

I think's I'm on to something here.

Andrographis!

2007-11-22T23:13:00.000-05:00

Stefan is sick again.

He spent Thanksgiving coughing, sneezing, and wanting to be picked up and cuddled. I spent the day cooking, but wishing I could just stay with my little one and comfort him.

I am getting very concerned; he has not even finished the antibiotic for the last cold's ear infection!
Why is his immune system so weak?
I searched this evening and found a really good naturopath. She does home visits! Hallelujah!
In the meantime, I am going to research the net and find out all I can about strengthening his little system.
And I am going to try this milk for my kids, as a start.

2007-11-20T22:33:00.000-05:00

As I was shopping today for a cartful of groceries, I was surprised by how many people around me, doing the same thing, looked stressed, hurried, and even pissed to be doing this.

Since when did this stop being fun?

Thanksgiving is supposed to be a festivity. This means there should be joy involved. I sidestepped the angry woman yelling at her mother about tomatoes, and hummed and smiled as I pushed my chock-full cart through the crowded aisles, trying to ignore the man who rushed, full-speed, ahead of me, grumbling something, and the woman who called someone on her cell and asked, "Do you like mushrooms?" (pause) "Just answer the QUESTION!"

Why are they doing this, I wondered, if it brings so much stress? I swear, I would just take the day off, eat frozen pizza, and veg in front of the TV in my jammies on Thursday, if "doing" Thanksgiving gave me that much grief.

It is so easy to focus on the "have to" instead of the "want to" or "it gives me pleasure to."

We have food, we have bounty, we have wonderful homes, we have peace. Many of you who read my blog (and it gives me great pleasure knowing that you do!) have children, too. Huge blessings, all of those.

My wish for you is that you smile all day this Thursday. That you focus on all the things in your life that make you happy. That your meal is the best you've ever had. And that all that great food you gobble does not go to your thighs :)

Planning for Turkey Day

2007-11-19T21:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I lifted some serious weights in the basement, and today I am feeling it. I can't begin to describe how good it feel to finally be doing something again-- not much, but it sure does beat nothing.

Made Julia Child's Boeuf Bourginion from Mastering the Art of French Cooking and it turned out sinfully good. Finally, one version I was proud to serve. Too bad the kids barely touched it. They just don't do dinner. Sigh.

Do grab this book if you think you'd like to try your hand at French cuisine. Nowadays, it would be called French Cooking for Idiots in America. She really did have the clueless home cook in mind, and the book has foolproof instructions, with American measurements. I especially like that the ingredients are listed to the left, on an as-you-go basis. She even tells you what type and size of utensils to use (example, a 10-inch enamelled skillet.).

Thanksgiving presents several challenges, one being that I am making all new dishes, including a Turducken . :D Still deciding on the sides-- one is going to be oyster, leek and shiitake mushroom dressing, and one is going to be serrano ham and poblano corn pudding. Maybes include potato and celery root gratin with fontina cheese, and chocolate bread pudding with bourbon-pecan caramel sauce.

That last one sure sounds wonderful.

A Mixer Named Hobart

2007-11-18T21:10:00.000-05:00

I have finally decided to get a third, smaller mixer -- another KitchenAid, to be precise.

In my search for the best deal on the color I wanted (which I found, on Amazon.com) I stumbled upon this forum, where people are mixer-crazy, to the point of owning dozens of them, assigning them sexes and giving them names.

I had a blast reading the posts, and gleaned lots of good info, even some recipes I'll be trying.

Gotta love the Internet!

Like My Boys

2007-11-17T20:20:00.000-05:00

You'd think I'd have it figured out by now: There is no silver bullet.

Maybe it's written somewhere else in this blog, I don't know. But the truth (that none of us really wants to hear) is that there is no easy or fast way to lose weight.
And yet, every day, I hear of this diet and that diet, some new, some really old, all promising to make us melt the fat away -- in weeks!

Know what? They all suck.

Why do they suck? Because we were designed to put on weight. The caveman who gorged himself the best and who put on the most weight was the one most likely to survive. Therefore, when we diet, the body goes into all-out "starvation alert" mode. After a few days/weeks/months of cabbage soup, grapefruit, carrots and celery, or other ridiculous diets, we go back to eating real food, go apenuts with it, and get even bigger than before.

I'm fat again. My belly flops around, and so do my chins. I can't look in the mirror, so I give myself only cursory glances, to make sure I don't go out with bedhead or stains on my clothes. But I don't check myself out. 'Cause, well, bleah.

Because I have not been able to exercise much, I haven't burned much of anything.
Lately, I have been "good" until about 4, and then starvation wallops me so hard that I can't stop eating. Then, I have a huge dinner. And then I sit.

I watch my kids. The older one eats about 1/2 to 1/4 what I put in front of him (and I offer tiny child portions, not what I've seen many other parents set in front of their kids.) He won't eat much bread, cheese, or baked goods. His Halloween candy is sitting in a bowl in the kitchen, in the open, untouched. He even said he wanted to throw it out (!) He drinks lots of milk (sometimes instead of a meal) and prefers OJ with seltzer as a beverage. He will eat fruit, but not bananas. He'll ask for ice cream and, out of a cone with a kid-sized scoop, he will eat half and abandon the rest, to melt.

My little one will eat 5 (I kid you not) eggs for breakfast, with or without bacon. He also will eat dried cherries and almonds, every single day. Mid morning, he eats a yogurt with a banana. As a snack, he asks for grapes. 9 times out of 10, he will refuse lunch.

Neither will eat more than a few bites of dinner, if that.
They are both muscular and very slim; you can see their little ribs.
They are proof that the only way to be slim is to never take in more than you can expend.

I need to eat like my boys.

Bushed

2007-11-16T22:09:00.000-05:00

Long, exhausting day today.
I have been sitting here for 10 minutes and my mind is just blank.
Good night :)

Gearing Up

2007-11-15T22:11:00.000-05:00

Feeling much better today. Nothing is hurting, and I had a good appointment with Dr. Z.

Because I am getting fewer areas "muscle stimed," treatment is finally shorter. Plus, I am now going only twice a week.

I prepared this Mario Batali side dish for dinner, and we had spaghetti and meatballs as a main course. The broccoli rabe was on the bitter side, but I wanted fresh food that was not heavy, so I ate most of it. My stomach thanked me. I think I'll prepare the same thing again soon, but I will use bok choy or spinach instead of the rabe.

Gearing up for busy days. Preschool holiday recitals, three birthdays, holidays. Tomorrow, I have to bake something for a school Thanksgiving party, take Boom *back* at 2:30 for his singing recital, then arrange a little going away party for an employee who has been with us for 4 years.

Oh-- I just finished Julia Child's My Life in France, and was sorry when I got to the end of the book. So, I went to the library and managed to find video of all her old French Chef shows :) Starting tomorrow, I will watch them in the basement while I exercise.

Man.

That basement probably has cobwebs by now.

Draggin'

2007-11-14T23:31:00.000-05:00

I have been so tired lately that I can't see straight.

Literally.

I need glasses to see things that are close, but don't need any help seeing far away. The result is that I hardly ever wear the glasses, and I am getting really bad headaches. I don't know whether these are the result of boycotting the glasses, or that there is some bug knocking at my door.

I dragged myself to my skating lesson, with a pounding headache. All I really wanted to do was cancel, but I have a thing about being late and/or cancelling. There has to be a darned good reason.

It ended up being fun, but the minute the lesson was over I didn't linger. I was off the ice and going to the preschool to pick up my loves.

This afternoon I didn't feel like cooking, so no dinner for the extended family. I made the boys some paper plates loaded with goodies from the freezer, and they had a great "bed picnic," as I like to call it. No need to sit down nicely at the dinner table as usual, just cross-legged on the bed, watching TV. It's so nice and so much fun to do that once in a while. I snoozed, they ate, and everyone was happy.

I grazed today. Wasn't very hungry, just a pang here and there. I nibbled on a couple of snap peas for dinner, with a couple of bites of roast turkey breast, and it was plenty. That is because of last night's Bœuf Bourguignon. Not only was I unhappy with it (beef not tender enough, and the sauce was too sweet) but the thing takes 4 hours to prepare, spaced over two days. And it gave me the worst indigestion I've had in a while. French cooking is fabulous, but, oh, is it heavy.

I don't like the way I've been eating lately, and the dinners have been pushed mostly to 7:30PM , because my sister-in-law gets in so late from work, then there is a lot of dallying, so, many a time, I end up getting frustrated. My food gets cold, things don't taste as good, and I feel as if all that hard work is just... well, I don't know.

Then, by the time they leave and it is just the four of us, it is 8:30, it is time to start the bedtime routine. I want more time to just relax and enjoy my children, to feel as if I've actually had an evening.

Tonight, I am really, really tired. I swear, tomorrow after I take the boys to school I am driving straight home and going back to bed.

Ugh-- it is almost midnight, again. If only we didn't have to sleep.

PS--I almost forgot: I got Giada's family dinner book today. Our stomachs need a break from all those butter sauces!

There is something about this gal that I really dig :) I tried a couple of her recipes off the Food Network-- loved them.

No, honey, I'm just fat

2007-11-13T20:20:00.000-05:00

"I think Miss Rose is pregnant again."
My nanny looks at her brother (who does our yard work for us) and shakes her head. "No."
"I really think she's pregnant. Are you sure?"

Well, he was right the first time. That was four years ago, when I pretty much hid my pregnancy with Boom until September.

Right now, the bulge he noticed is a tire that has appeared, not on my lower belly, but from under my boobs to my belly button. The "Rose Cooks French Food" for dinner tire.

Hmmmm.... I think I'll call it my Michelin.

And the winner is...

2007-11-09T23:57:00.000-05:00

I have an obsession with diaper cream. I guess it is because I absolutely loathe diaper rash. The smallest irritation would make me feel so neglectful.

I have purchased dozens of diaper creams in at least 5 countries, on 2 continents. I have diaper cream from, to name a few, France, Germany, Austria, Mexico, and Switzerland. I have ones that are medicated, unmedicated, scented, unscented, with lanolin, zinc oxide, calendula, even with Nystatin.

I have tried them all.

But the other day, in an effort to make my home less toxic, I was checking out Burt's products at my local Whole Foods, and there it was: Burt's Baby Bee Diaper ointment. It was like waving a little white chip, complete with lighter and pipe, in front of a crack addict's nose: I had to have it.

The minute I used it on Stefan, I felt utter joy. This is what I have been seeking for 5 years. The cream of my dreams! Not too thin, not too thick, easy to apply, easy to wipe off the fingers, and no medicinal odor. It is made with beeswax, and it smells of lavender and honey. What a delight. There is no pleasure like that of lifting a freshly-diapered, sweet smelling little one, in your arms, and this cream is utterly pleasing in every way.

Tomorrow I will tell you of the wonderful new chlorine free diapers I have found. Oh, and the doublers, and the natural pads!

Stefan has conjunctivitis

2007-11-08T22:06:00.000-05:00

Ugh. I came home from my chiro appointment to find my little boy looking just awful.

Stefan's beautiful eyes, his long-lashed, gorgeous, huge dark brown eyes, are red and puffy and oozing yellow goo.

The week-long cold has complications, it seems. I tried some Similasan for pink eye, but it works for 5 minutes and then the goo returns. That is because Similasan is for viral conjunctivitis, and I think (no, know) this is bacterial.
I feel sick to my stomach just looking at him, knowing that it has to be the dreaded pediatrician appointment first thing tomorrow, and an antibiotic that will sting.

My own eyes sting just thinking about it.
Why do little ones have to get sick so often? It really breaks my heart.

Update, Friday morning.
Well, this morning I expected to need to pry his lids open with a can opener-- but there was only redness, no goo! It is viral! Woohoo!
I have to call and thank Dr. and Mrs. Z. for opening my eyes (no pun intended) to alternatives to mainstream approaches and medicine. Before I met them, I would have hoofed it that very afternoon to the pediatrician, for a prescription of antibiotics. I would, in fact, have demanded it.

Update, Saturday

Nope. Not viral. It's bacterial. They also both have double ear and sinus infections.

I hate that I have to give them antibiotics, but they do have their purpose. Ugh.

Slalom!

2007-11-07T22:59:00.000-05:00

Today, within the first 10 minutes of my skating lesson, I was skating, as my instructor put it, "as if I knew what I was doing."
I skated slaloms! What fun, fun, fun!
All of a sudden, I got it: it's all about weight distribution, using your hips and thighs, not about working your blades.
I didn't want to stop, even after an hour. I leaned right, left, and used both edges of my blades. For the first time, I didn't feel as if I could fall any minute-- my blades both remained on, and never left, the ice.
Funny, how a couple of pointers can make such a world of difference.

Fried

2007-11-06T20:36:00.001-05:00

The kids were both home sick today.

I am absolutely exhausted.

I do not know how single moms do it.

It's Julia's Fault

2007-11-05T21:38:00.000-05:00

Um... today was Monday, wasn't it?

What was that I said on Thursday. Gee, let me quote myself: "I intend to go back to my healthy ways on Monday."

Groooooan.

For dinner, I made chicken soup, mushrooms in butter sauce, prime rib au jus (Julia Child's recipe, since I am reading her book, My Life in France. ) Hard not to think about food, when she recounts meal after meal in glorious, sinful detail, complete with what wine was consumed :)

"I closed my eyes and inhaled the rising perfume," she writes. "Then I lifted a forkful of fish to my mouth, took a bite, and chewed slowly. The flesh of the sole was delicate,with a light but distinct taste of the ocean and blended marvelously with the browned butter. I chewed slowly and swallowed. It was a morsel of perfection."

This, about fried fish, LOL. Well, Sole Meunière, to be exact. I am proud to say that I know how to make it, thanks to my favorite Cordon Bleu cookbook.

Child was a woman who loved, and lived, life to its fullest. She documented everything, with all five senses, was interested in so much, and her sharp eye noticed everything. It is so sad, to me, that this vibrant woman is now gone (I know, I know, there I go with the morbidity, again.)

I used to watch her in the 70s, and snicker because everything she made began with "mehl-thed butt-erh." Nevertheless, I watched. On a black and white TV, with no remote (oh, horrors, you actually had to get up to change the channel!) I was amazed at how she got right in there and patted a rump roast as if it were a cherished pet. She would give a chicken a "butt-erh massaaaaage." It amused and fascinated me to watch her enjoy herself so much in that kitchen, and I was only about 10 years old.

Years later, I would see her in person, doing a cooking demonstration at an upscale kitchen store. I was stunned by her height-- the woman was 6-foot-two -- and, yes, she still loved her "mehl-thed butt-erh."

Anyway, what was my point? Oh, yes, because my back feels great and I can stand in the kitchen again, I am cooking, and enjoying every minute of it. I am also eating too much at dinner.

And it is all Julia's fault.

Fall Back

2007-11-04T22:25:00.000-05:00

I love Daylight Saving Time, more accurately, switching back to Standard Time.

I love the extra hour you get, free.

I love getting a chance to fix breakfast, at my leisure.

I love the incredibly long day, especially since it's always a weekend day.

I love knowing it's "really"bedtime, yet the hour is not too crazy, yet.

And I love the illusion of prolonging life...if only for an hour.

I'm Bakin'

2007-11-03T22:12:00.000-04:00

Today I baked an extremely difficult yeast/egg bread, with nut filling. It takes about 12 hours, from start to ready-to eat.

I didn't expect much, because the first try for something like this often ends up in the trash, but surprise, surprise, it turned out perfect.

Thank, you,Viking. I could not have done this without you.

Ch-Ch-Changes

2007-11-02T00:22:00.000-04:00

Today I lifted 130 pounds. Dr. Z. is thrilled, especially since nothing hurts today.

I also realized, today, that I have gone over the deep end with avoiding things that I now perceive to be toxic.

Maybe it's Life, Part Deux, staring me in the face, and thinking that I really, really want to be here to see my grandchildren, but I am eliminating evil things right and left.

I have gone all stainless steel in the kitchen. Correction: nonstick free. Something about those flaking pans, and the question of where the flakes were going, made me nervous. My nanny is in heaven to be getting so many "new" pots and pans, LOL. She probably thinks I'm nuts.

I have also eliminated antiperspirant. Before you hold your nose and utter "EEEeewww" like my wonderful preschoolers, please know that I have found an alternative. Burt's Bees Baby Bee Dusting Powder, along with some Crystal roll-on, have been working really well for me. I have purchased chlorine free pantyliners, and, as you know, have started using a Mooncup instead of those tampons and maxipads; the latter have always made me itch, for reasons I don't even want to learn.

I am taking Standard Process supplements, getting as much organic produce as I can, and, lately, using Burt's Bees products to wash-- and I forgot to tell you the bonus! I have found *the* best conditioner in the whole, wide world, the one I have been fantasizing about forever, while buying bottle after bottle of conditioners on 2 continents. Burt's Bees Green Tea & Fennel Seed Conditioner. Silky hair that is not greasy, and that feels smooth and wonderful. Aaahhh.... my thick mane has, at last, been tamed.

As for lotions, well, Dr. Mercola says that if you wouldn't eat it, you should not put it on your skin. Problem is, I have a stash of German hand cream that I absolutely must have. If I don't get a whiff of that stuff every day, all is *not* right with my world.

And last, but not least: I did not, and will not, get a flu shot this year, and neither will my children. This, from a woman who was ready to go to Canada in 2004, when she was pregnant, and there was a flu shot shortage.

Gimme gimme gimme more...carbs

2007-11-01T22:00:00.000-04:00

I have been overeating lately. Why? I'm hungry all the time. Especially for carbs.

This weekend, my husband will leave for a whole week, again, and maybe that has something to do with my need for as many carbs as I can stuff into my mouth. Sometimes, you just have to take a break and simply eat what you want.

I intend to go back to my healthy ways on Monday. Until then, anything is fair game. And I intend to bake, baby.

Oh, and I grudgingly admit I am looking forward to the new Britney Spears album.

Narrow Escape

2007-10-28T21:51:00.000-04:00

This weekend was a "blah" weekend. Boom had a bit of a cold, and my husband and I were tired and didn't feel like going out, so we did the hermit thing. The only time anyone got out was my husband taking Boom to tennis lessons on Saturday, and me, to get my hair colored, which I absolutely hate doing.

Until I started to go seriously gray, I never even went near a salon. I always feel as if it is a colossal waste of time, I do not like the gabbing gossip that goes on, and I hate the smell and feel of the "product" that is applied to my sensitive skin. However, when you are of "advanced maternal age" and your kids are 4 and 2, you really need to do all you can so that people won't confuse you with the children's grandmother.

I have already gone through several audio books. I am soaking them in like a wilted houseplant that finally gets a cup of water. The minute one CD ends, my hands almost shake as I fumble to put in the next one. I am giddy to be "reading" again, and I do it constantly. I need to be careful not to have my ears plugged all the time, which I'm afraid I had, this weekend. I had to take out my headphones to hear what my boys were telling me. I even listened myself to sleep.

I finished Momzillas (Jill Kargman) The Girls of Riadh (Rajaa Alsanea) and Angela's Ashes (Frank McCourt). I am now in the middle of Teacher Man, also by Frank McCourt, and have a few lined up that I can't wait to read, for example, Leap of Faith : Memoirs of an unexpected Life by Queen Noor, aka Lisa Halaby, and Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books (Azar Nafisi.) My rental shelf contains close to 100 titles. I am in heaven.

Tomorrow I will write in my other blog about how I stopped my car, containing my boys, to get out and pick up some trash that was in the road, in front of my sister-in-law's house. 5 minutes later, a 100-foot tree dropped on the very spot. Needless to say, I am very happy that we were spared. That tree would have landed on me or on our car, and would surely have maimed or killed one, two, or all three of us.

I feel very lucky tonight. Hey, it's not every weekend that you can say you had a close brush with the unimaginable.

Honey, I ate too much baklava!

2007-10-17T21:29:00.000-04:00

Today I got my period, and I didn't know it. So far, not one cramp. It remains to be seen whether or not the IUD removal was a success, but so far, so good.

FedEx brought me a brand new set of pots, all stainless steel. Tomorrow I am doing a serious triage in my kitchen, getting rid of a lot of toxic stuff.

Speaking of toxic-- today I made a killer baklava and had two pieces. I feel as if I have a brick in my stomach. I can't decide if it was worth it, although it was the most divine baklava I have ever eaten in my life. I will be sure to post the recipe, which I got from an 81-year-old Greek man. Brief preview: almonds and Greek honey :)

Yes, evil carbs and lots of butter-- but tomorrow I am skating *and* lifting 120 pounds!
Read Flowers in the Snow

One two oh.

2007-10-16T21:52:00.000-04:00

Today, I looked at my file at Dr. Z's, and was shocked to see that when he started me on the dead lifts, it was with a mere 20 pounds. Twenty! That's it!

When I pointed this out to him, he said, "Wanna do 120, just to say you went 100 pounds over what you started with?"
"Sure," I said," thinking he was joking.
He was not.
Not only did I do lifts with 120 pounds, but I did an extra one, just because I realized I could.

I walked out of there, feeling like, well, 120 million bucks. Not to mention that I walked out of there with no pain, anywhere.

I need a pointy hat

2007-10-15T23:50:00.001-04:00

Ice skating, today, was necessary. Glad I went for half an hour, even though I was cold because I had left my helmet and gloves in the car.

This morning, I woke up the witch from hell, and everyone was better off to stay away from me.

Dead lifts with 110 pounds today. Major ice cream attack after dinner. I ate as much as I wanted, with cream, nuts, and dried cherries, and it was *good*. OK, so I knew I was eating too much. But once in a while, you just have to do what you want.

Dr. Z. thinks I have estrogen dominance. I have a saliva kit ready to go, to daily measure hormone levels and see what is going on.

If he can fix this, well... I have no idea what I would owe the man.

Oh, and I finished The Bone Yard. The book sucked, but it was a book. I signed up for a book on CD rental service, and have Running with Scissors on the way.

Happily exhausted

2007-10-14T22:08:00.000-04:00

Today was an extremely long day.

We got to the farm at exactly 10, when they opened, we had a blast getting pumpkins right out of the field, we went on a hay ride, a Clydesdale wagon ride, and there were dozens of activities for the little ones, including grinding corn and a zip line. There were farm animals to see (I was more interested than the boys) drainage pipes for slides (climbing on hay to get up to them) and tiny tractors to ride.

Boom found a Wooly Bear caterpillar, who is now sleeping happily in a container in our fridge. Why? Because he is supposed to be dormant right now, according to this site. Oh, the things you learn, when you have little boys.

The weather was perfect.

My body held up well for all of the running around and climbing and carrying tired little boys. I honestly would not have been able to do this, 3 months ago.

Interestingly enough, neither child napped (Stefan for 1/2 hour only, on the way back) and they continued to play hard at home. I guess they got on such a high that they never stopped.

Everyone *just* got to sleep. I am crashing.

Fun is so exhausting, LOL.

Saturday

2007-10-13T23:13:00.000-04:00

This is the USDA Recalls, Withdrawals and Alerts web page, something I wish I would have found a long time ago. Now, I check it at least a couple of times a week.

Good day today. For some reason, I am craving peanut butter. I like to eat it with plum butter (D'arbo-- I get it at World Market) instead of Jelly. Deeeee-licious!

I found this brand, Smart Balance Omega, that tastes incredible and is made with flax seed oil-- but I don't give it to my guys, because a very reputable doctor told us that flax seed oil has been shown to cause prostate cancer in men.

Dead lifted 110 pounds at Dr. Z's today. The weight lifting is getting intense. The goal, he says, is to go as high as I can, where I can only do a few reps before I get to failure. Well, 110 pounds felt OK! I know I can go higher. I hope my hand bones and tendons can handle all that weight

My baby boy was in a wonderful mood today, my big boy was helpful and well-behaved, and I am loving life.

Today I took Boom to open house at our local fire station, and while he enjoyed the huge moon-bounce style slide and miniature fire truck rides, I talked to the chief and checked out their new unit (ambulance) put into service just 2 months ago. Wow, how things have changed in 10 years. It was fun to show my son all the equipment, and to explain to him the uses of the different things we saw. Not to mention, climb into all the trucks, and go into the firehouse.

But it got me wistful, too. I sure do miss working as an EMT.

Tomorrow we are driving south for about an hour and a half to go to a real pumpkin patch-- the kind where you have to go on a hay ride to get to where the pumpkins actually grow. The weather is scheduled to be perfect.

And since my back is perfect, too, I just can't wait.

Hope your weekend is just as good.

Read Flowers in the Snow

Vastus!

2007-10-12T21:20:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I told Dr. Z that my outer thigh is hurting, and said that it feels like a muscle pull. "It probably *is* muscular at this point, " he said.
He then instructed me to get down into a lunge position and lean forward, stretching the vastus muscles, asking if it hurts. It didn't. He then reached for my hips and twisted me to the side. "How about now?"
"Ouuuuchhhh!"

I was convinced I would be hobbled from that point. But when I got up...nothing.

"How does that feel?" he asked.

I wiggled my hips. I jumped up and down.

The pain was, unbelievably, 100% gone.

It stayed gone, and right now, it is minor. I went ice skating today for half an hour, with no ill effects.

Have I mentioned that I love that man?

2007-10-11T13:59:00.000-04:00

Had a great time this morning while the kids were at school, despite really awful PMS.

First I went Christmas/birthday shopping, and for myself I got, for the first time ever, a book on CD.

This one ---->

I have to admit, I am not liking the way it is read (the reader is way too dramatic and makes the characters sound fakey when they talk) but it is nice to get to "read" a book again, and use the time spent in traffic a little more efficiently.

Since both boys and my husband have upcoming birthdays, plus Christmas is around the corner, I have been shopping for about a month. It worked very well last year, and it took all the pressure off, to get things done, and wrapped, in time. Although last year I didn't get to wrapping until Christmas Eve, because my mother-in-law was in the ICU-- and then passed away a day before my husband's birthday, on the 20th.

I'm already stoked about the upcoming holiday season. We're all healthy and in good moods, the businesses are going very well (something that was not true last year) and having less back pain gives me additional cheer.

After shopping, I went ice skating for an hour, and got to talking with a woman who recommended a skating instructor. She claims this guy is the absolute best. He happened to be on the ice coaching a little girl, who I had noticed before he showed up. She was so little, yet was skating like a little ballerina, with great confidence, plus she looked as if she was having a blast.

Exactly what I want for Boom. I put in a skating lesson request for this guy.

Hey, I might go for a few lessons myself.

Blue toenails

2007-10-10T11:07:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went skating again.
It was great, but I am horrified to feel that my SI pain is getting worse and worse.
I want to go right now, very badly. But I am afraid that if I continue this way, it's going to cause some irreversible damage what will completely bench me, in the long run.
The "winter fix" I get when skating is incomparable. I absolutely adore the rush of cold wind, the sound of skates scraping the ice, the glide that feels like I'm about to take flight.
OK, so now I am desperate to go.
I'll see you later.

2 PM: Well, I never went. Looked down at my toenails and decided to try giving my self a pedicure, because I do not want to go to the salon for that anymore.

I found the blue toenail polish I had purchased when Boom was a baby. Back then, I never would have contemplated using it on myself; I bought it to color code some pockets on a diaper bag.

Because Boom had told me recently that "You can have blue toenails, too, Mama!" I decided to have just that.

Not as exhilarating as skating, but it definitely is nice to have toenails that are polished-- even if they do look strange, LOL.

Read Flowers in the Snow

In the groove

2007-10-08T21:48:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I worked out with weights again. I upped the cable lift weights to 110 pounds. Felt pretty good all day!

Today I went ice skating. Not only was the rink full of ~~idiots~~ people who skated very poorly but were going way too fast and wiping out all over the place, but it was full of kids, too, who had the day off from school. When I drove in and saw the number of vehicles in the parking lot, I almost turned around. But I went in anyway, because I knew I would have been ticked if I had missed my fix, and I had waited all weekend to go again.

To my delight, this time, not only was I steady on my skates, but I found my groove and weaved in and out, avoiding collisions and wobbly skaters with pretty good skill.
Because my skates are starting to fit very well (I had them heat molded) and my feet were not killing me, so I was able to relax and just concentrate on having a good time.

I skated for an hour and a half, and came out almost high. I had a great cardio buzz happening, and, boy, was I happy with myself!

Today at the appointment with Dr. Z, when I proudly told him how I had kept working out and about the 110 pounds, he warned me not to overdo it and not to do the exercises every day.

Sigh.

I always want to do more, more, more.

People are telling me I'm a Type A personality. You think?

2007-10-06T20:02:00.000-04:00

Today I did something I have not done in a long time: I went in the basement and worked out. It was not as it was before. All the pressure was gone. I was doing something good for my back, and strengthening my injured body. I didn't have strict impositions about time or type of exercise. I didn't feel as if I hadn't done enough. Actually, having done more than I normally do at Dr. Z's office, I felt pretty darned effective!

Surprisingly, it was Boom who said he wanted to go work out. He went through a series of weight lifting exercises, plus trampoline jumping, plus boxing with the heavy bag, complete with gloves, all under my husband's watchful eye.

It feels so wonderful to see my little guy do all this and know that he does it because it's what he sees in the home.

The coconut oil is a 10. You only need a tiny bit, it is totally tasteless and odorless, and it works beautifully. For flavor, I drizzled some extra virgin olive oil on top of our morning eggs. The breakfast smoothie I made contained carrots and avocado, and my boys practically inhaled it. Plus, all of us are taking Catalyn. This is a manufacturer that Dr. Z trusts-- all their products are pharmaceutical grade.

I am now sitting here, with Max, my cat, sleeping on my legs. Our home is clean, quiet, peaceful, and full of love.

Life is extremely good.

Ice, ice, baby

2007-10-05T23:28:00.000-04:00

Today I managed to purchase some new Jackson skates and to go skating, without falling, at another rink in the area.

A blissful half-hour, it was. I can't wait to go again.

Mari left me a disapproving message, implying that I should do cardio "with my feet on the ground." Said that she wants to talk to me about the break I want to take.

The other studio won't give me my money back. I got a message saying they want to talk to my chiropractor and work around "whatever it is you have."

Go away, world. For now, I just want to skate.

Read Flowers in the Snow

I've got a lovelee buncha coconuts...

2007-10-03T20:57:00.000-04:00

I am very impatiently waiting for my coconut oil order from Tropical Traditions. I was shocked to find out that it is actually healthier to cook with that than with any other oil, because other oils have a very low-temp disintegration point and become unhealthy when heated.

The first coconut oil I tried, from Whole Foods, was not deodorized, so my family did not like the coconutty goodness of Sunday's eggs. Mrs. Z. recommended this one, which is all she uses to cook.

In addition, coconut oil contains lauric acid, one of the compounds found in breast milk. Who knew?

Click here if you are interested in more!

Feeling lighter

2007-10-02T20:35:00.001-04:00

There comes a time when you just have to put that white flag on the stick and wave it.

Flicked some things off my overloaded plate today.

First of all, I called Pilates Studio Number One and told them I will not come back. I asked them to refund the 5 remaining lessons, which they will probably do.
Called Mari and told her I am taking a 2-month hiatus. The rush on Wednesdays to go pick up the boys, drive them home, rush to class within a 10-minute window, and then go straight to the doctor, all the while praying that traffic will cooperate-- just too much. Plus, I want to let my spine heal before stressing it any more.

So, today I am feeling lighter-- OK, not poundage-wise, but at least, a little less crazed.

I got a call from the Russian skating instructor I requested at the ice rink. She has a 2-year-old and can only do lessons at 6 or 8:30 (!) PM. Not the most convenient time, so I told her I'd get back to her. Her mom is coming from Russia in November, and staying 6 months, at which time the instructor will be available during the day. Much better for all of us.

Dinner at our house is normally a 7-person affair, and it falls on my shoulders 99% of the time, so I'd really like to keep dinnertime stable. I like to have a nice, nutritious dinner every night, if possible. It's good to just sit and connect with family. Also, to have a lesson at 6 would mean too much juggling. I am just too tired to juggle right now.

Darned mid-back feels tight, but other than that, no pain.

Oh-- and today Dr. Z had me dead lifting 100 pounds.

One hundred pounds.

I've never lifted 100 pounds in my entire life.

Today I did 6 times, injured.

Nice.

2007-10-01T21:24:00.000-04:00

Pain is still nasty in my mid-back. The rest of me is doing OK. My husband took the kids to school this morning, and I went back to bed and slept until noon.

Today Dr. Z. surprised me by restarting my therapy with dead lifts at 90 pounds, which I had been doing. I did all the exercises, with heavy weights, despite my back smarting. Hey, he knows what he's doing. He said I would work through this, which is just fine with me.

Have to go lie down, because sitting really hurts. Plus, for some reason, I am sleepy despite the 12 hours of sleep I got last night.

2007-09-30T21:47:00.000-04:00

I am in pain.

It is bordering on burning, and there is no way I can avoid lifting, especially when my little one is sick-- again. He just finished getting over his second bug, and the third one hit yesterday. Sneezing up a storm, snot all over, calling me "Baba."

Today, he wanted mama, and no one else would do. I got away with explaining that I can't pick him up right now, but that was only a few times. I lifted and cuddled and lifted some more. After I put him to bed and he cried and cried, I went in there and he said, "I'm not feeling well!" and put up those sweet little hands. What is a mama to do? Of course I picked him up and comforted him.

So, my back muscles are shot. My neck can barely hold up my noggin. I can't believe I am back to square one. I did my best to enjoy the weekend around the pain, but with my husband pretty sick, too, I had to ask for his help constantly (because otherwise, the poor guy just sat and tried to rest) and felt bad about not being able to do it all myself.

I did almost get frustrated. Almost.

But-- I can't seem to get angry or worked up anymore, when it comes to my kids and husband. It's really weird to be basically very happy. I almost feel as if I should not be so "laid back," but I am looking at life a new way these days. I focus on diffusing tension instead of getting caught up in it. When there is crying and fussing around me, instead of feeling my stomach clench, I cunjure up the wonderful Mexican beach where I found peace.

I am in pain. But I am happy.

"Crushed" again

2007-09-29T17:37:00.000-04:00

After waking up stiff and with a painful jaw this morning, I called Dr. Z. to see if I can sneak in.

Diagnosis:

Concussion (mild, but I still have a bruised brain)
neck strain
stiff posterior neck muscles
pulled anterior neck muscles
compressed neck vertebrae
compressed back vertebrae

I can't exercise for a week.
I told them I got back on the ice after it happened, and they said I am a crazy lady.
But-- he said I was lucky. It could have been much worse, and he thinks I will bounce back from this in about a week.

If at first you don't succeed...

2007-09-28T16:40:00.000-04:00

Went ice skating again today.

I got a hockey helmet, slapped it on, and looking dorky, I had 40 minutes of fun.

Am thinking of taking a few lessons, just to improve my technique. And I need some other skates, because the ones I have torture the big toe on my left foot! I am considering Jackson Softec. I only wish I could find them locally so I could try them on!

Hello, TMD

2007-09-27T14:30:00.001-04:00

Today I thought I'd try a fun way of doing cardio: ice skating.

I bought a warm vest, cheapie skates, purchased a ticket to the local ice rink, and stepped onto the ice, something I had not done in, oh, 20 years. The last time I regularly skated, however, was 1974.

Wobbly at first, I gradually gained my "ice legs," and was doing really well until I hit a dip in the ice with my toe pick. Instead of letting myself fall forward, as I should have, I tried to keep from falling, resulting in slipping backwards, slamming the back of my skull on the ice, and screwing up my right elbow (yes, the one I previously injured falling on, ironically, ice.) Immediately, I felt pain in my ears.

Long story short: I somehow injured my temporomandibular joint. Both sides hurt, right in front of my ears and over my jaw when I move my mouth, chew, or even swallow.

I will refrain from using the f-word here today. But you can bet it is all I have been thinking for the past 3 hours, since this happened, as I slowly but surely get a doozy of a headache.

My husband is away on business until tomorrow evening.

The good part of this? I won't be able to eat without pain, so I guess my food intake will be lower.

Ha.

Do not pass GO, do not collect $200

2007-09-26T22:38:00.001-04:00

Major frikkin' setback.

Yesterday, Dr. Z. decided to try ultrasound therapy. It caused a flareup of my lower back/SI joint, and now I am hobbling around, frustrated and thinking this will *never* go away.

Here I was, with almost no pain, the light plainly visible in the tunnel, when WHAM, back to where I started.

This so sucks.

Yesterday, my OB told me she was surprised that my kids are skinny, because "both you and your husband are hefty people."

Today at my lesson with Mari, she told me, again, how I need to do cardio because I need to lose at least 10 pounds.

What...the...fuck?

I get it already, OK? I run around hungry most of the time, grazing on power foods that would make 90% of people roll their eyes, and I barely sit all day long. How the hell am I supposed to do so much exercise if I am injured?

I get it. I am doing something about it. I just need everyone to shut the hell up.

Good riddance, Paragard

2007-09-24T13:54:00.001-04:00

The IUD came out today. I am so glad to be rid of it, darned foreign object. It never felt right from the very beginning, unlike the one I had before kids. Many times, especially at night, I would be aware of it, if I turned a certain way. It poked, it ached, it was *there*.

My OB asked what I intend to do, and I said, " Nothing."

"But what if you get pregnant?"
I just smiled and shrugged.
It is unlikely that another baby will show up, since we had to do a bit of Clomid convincing to coax Stefan into the world.

OK, so I am secretly hoping some miracle will show up. But don't tell my husband!

Only the sky is blue here

2007-09-21T18:27:00.000-04:00

I am so happy.

Zero pain today. Nothing hurts, not even my hip.

I have been on a high all day long.

And, oh, what a beautiful blue sky I saw this morning. I longed for a camera to capture the wonder of it.

Hope your day was as good as mine.

Read Flowers in the Snow.

Where's the fire?

2007-09-19T22:14:00.000-04:00

Back from a wonderful vacation, and I have been running at full tilt.

Wake up, get everyone ready, cook breakfast, make lunches, take the boys to preschool, rush home, get as much as I can done in 3 hours, (today it was closet shakedown-- Stefan's) get them from preschool, go to treatment, come back, get dinner started...

Today was especially busy, because I had a Pilates session. It went very well, and it was great to break a sweat again.

After that, I rushed to the doctor, then home, scarfed down a salad for dinner (Ladurée style, I need to post the recipe!) and then had to go to PTA night. They call it PTO, but I see no reason to :P

Whew! I am tired! I should have been sleeping an hour ago, as my days start at 6:30.

I am happy to report, however, that my back pain is....zero! Hip is still bothering me, but it sure is wonderful not to feel creaky in the spine!

I have so many things to post to my other blog, but right now, sleep is the priority.

Gee, I hope our fire alarm doesn't go off at 6:30AM, again. What a racket this morning: "WHOOP, WHOOP, fire, fire... WEE-WOOOO, WEEEEE-WOOOO!"

It was, however, cool to have a huge ladder truck and a fireman in full regalia show up, bright and early, because even though we told the alarm company there was no fire, the law still required him to show up, to my delight, LOL.

"Did he look cool?" I asked my husband, who had answered the door hiding behind it, 'cause he was in his skivvies.

"Yeah."

Big, huge grin on my face. (Once a firehouse gal, always a firehouse gal... those were the days...)

I guess my hotfooting it tripped the silly smoke detector, because we still have not found the cause of our early morning alarm. Let's just do the clock radio tomorrow morning, like normal people , OK?

Bonjour, Fatty

2007-09-11T10:04:00.000-04:00

So, on Sunday we boarded United Airlines and flew to Paris. This was my birthday present this year-- one fabulous week of Europe (we fly to Zurich for a day tomorrow) and time with my husband.

We had had to hire a private detective to find my husband's old Army buddy, one of his best friends. He had been Best Man at our wedding, they'd been that close. We had lost contact over 17 years ago, and really wanted to know what had become of him.

With much nervousness, I prepared to meet with this guy who had not seen us in so long. Watched what I ate for weeks. Outfit carefully chosen and changed into right before landing (I never do that) makeup done, hair combed. I was actually happy with myself. The airport bathroom mirror told me I looked pretty good.

"Wow! You haven't changed a bit!" I told him as we hugged, because he did look far better than what I imagined, given his draconic smoking habit.

Um... he didn't say a thing.

In the car, on the way to our hotel, we talked about kids (he has a 4-year-old daughter) and family and birthdays.

"You have so many celebrations in winter," he said.

"Yes, Thanksgiving, then Stefan's birthday, then Boom's birthday, then my husband's, then Chrismas and New Year's... I have to make one cake after another," I joked.

"It shows, Rose, it shows," he said, somewhat disparagingly.

Total deflation.

Ugh.

That is what happens with close friends-- they will be brutally honest.

But...

I'm having a wonderful time.

The weather is perfect.

I have my husband, and my time, all to myself.

And if I'm going to leave my babies behind, who sound so wistful and say they "want me back" whenever I call, then I'm gonna have a blast, dammit.

Pass that croissant.

PS-- they lost all our luggage. We finally got it delivered after 2 days.

Anger.

2007-09-07T21:21:00.000-04:00

Someone, please get the knife out of my back.

It started stabbing this evening, after a whole day of achy discomfort.

If you suddenly have a problem, my husband always says, undo the last change you made.

The last change I made was a Pilates lesson. A very easy one, dammit.

Elegantly put:

Shit.

Staying the course

2007-09-06T21:06:00.000-04:00

The good news is, I got to do Pilates today.

The bad news is, my SI injury flared up because of it.

Dr. Z. wasn't very happy. he thinks the exercises he teaches me, plus walking, should be all I need to keep strong and fit. "Why do you want to do Pilates?" he asked me.
"Because I like that the exercises involve as much mind as body, and because every woman I have seen who does it on a regular basis looks great."

He told me the people who look great that you see are "the survivors." That not everyone who does it will stick with it, just like a gym membership.

The thought of giving up my newfound exercise has me very disappointed, so I have every intention of staying with Mari and her wonderful instruction. Going there makes me happy. And, I grudgingly admit, it's nice to have an older woman, a mother figure, in my life. Her reassuring presence gives me comfort, and I need that.

My next Pilates lesson is a week from Wednesday. I will be there.

Read Flowers in the Snow

2007-09-05T20:03:00.000-04:00

Well, tomorrow is the day. I go back to Pilates, with the doctor's blessing.
I am happy and scared at the same time. Given that I am feeling better, I very much want to avoid regressing.
Bone-tired. I have been getting an average of 6 hours of sleep a night, with no nap time during the day.
It's only 8PM and I already am thinking of going to bed. I have so many chores to do, but they will have to wait until tomorrow.
In other news, someone I just met a month ago, who was going to be working with my husband for a very long time, died suddenly yesterday.
He was 42.
His wife of only 9 months found him slumped in his easy chair, and assumed he was asleep. Except that he wasn't. When she called and he didn't get up to come to dinner, she went to shake him and realized he was cold.
Given my train of thought lately, I didn't take this very well. They had been trying to have kids, with no success. She had asked me for fertility advice. Sad, so sad.
Boom is here, and I have to give hugs and kisses.
I am so grateful that I am here, and can do that.

My second blog-- Flowers in the Snow

14

2007-09-04T21:10:00.000-04:00

Three days and nights of Stefan having 103 to 104.5 temps have left all of us frazzled and exhausted.
Today what was supposed to have been two well-visits turned into one well visit with three surprise shots(!)and one sick visit.
Only four days into school, Stefan picked up one heck of a virus, some herpes beast that shows no other symptoms except lack of appetite, fever and, I, found out today, a white patch on his tonsil. Poor little guy.
One thing that made me grin all afternoon: both boys have a BMI of 14.
LOL.
Wish I could get some of that from all the kisses I give them.

Thoughts of the end, and a beginning

2007-09-03T20:45:00.000-04:00

Death permeates my thoughts, of late.

Going about my daily routine, I sometimes glance in the mirror, and pause to scrutinize the face staring back at me. I see the undeniable etchings of time, and realize I'm staring half a century in the face, if not squarely, then surely glimpsing it as I round that next bend.

It isn't only age that turns my thoughts to the inevitable. It is the love I have for my children, a love far more ferocious, neverending and desperate than I ever imagined.

I have other thoughts along this dark, depressing alley: If, by some horrible chop of fate, I go tomorrow, what is there left of me for my kids? When asked, years later, about their mother, what will they have to say?

On Mother's day this year, the teacher had the preschoolers answer some questions about their mothers. My son said my name was "Mama" and that my favorite thing to do was "laundry."

While this melted my heart with its simple adorableness, it shocked me to realize that, to him, I am a nameless person whose ultimate joy is washing underpants and sweaty socks on Sundays.

That is so...basic.

I want to be so much more than basic, to my children.

Which is why I think it's time to supplement this superficial blog about weight and looks, and start a second journal, writing on a much deeper level.

Why start another blog, you ask, when there are as many on the Internet as there are sand fleas on a camel?

Because, if my expiration date is near, (or even if it's far, and hopefully, it is) years from now I want my children to have something of me aside from old clothes, dusty shoes and pixels of moments in time.

I want them to have the glasses through which I view the world. I want to show them the paths I've trodden, those over which I flew, and those I was afraid to take.

And hopefully, they'll find a shiny nugget or two, in the silt of experience I've gathered over forty-four-plus years.

I have no title for it yet.

But I can promise content.

Join me.

Too much money, too little sense

2007-09-02T15:51:00.000-04:00

"The Insider" has obtained new papers in the custody battle between BRITNEY SPEARS and her ex-husband, KEVIN FEDERLINE, in which Kevin's attorney asserts that Britney's monthly income is $737,868.

Wow.

2007-08-27T23:09:00.000-04:00

Our anniversary turned out to be period hell. I spent half the day in a fetal position, bleeding and cramping so badly that it was pretty scary. I finally gave in and took Aleve again, even though I had decided to stay away from it. But when you are desperate and in pain, and you are scaring your family, you have no choice.

So, I took the pills, got dressed, and went to lunch. While it was wonderful, part of me just wanted to go back home and get back into bed.

I have made an appointment to remove my IUD. I do not know if that is what is causing the problems (the first time around, I had no issues with the Paragard) but I've got to take this thing out and see if there's any improvement.

The good news is, my back and neck pains are 98% gone. I had a little hip pain today, and that is it.

I think I'm good to go back to Pilates next week. I'd do the happy dance, but I'm too tired and headed for bed.

2007-08-24T22:39:00.000-04:00

Very busy for the past few days, what with treatment appointments (feeling somewhat less creaky) the last day of school on Thursday, the first day of school for *both* boys coming up Monday, and my 24th wedding anniversary tomorrow.

Someone is coming to watch the kids from 12 to 4.

Oysters for lunch, anyone?

"HAPPINESS"

2007-08-20T22:12:00.000-04:00

Wonderful day today, especially after 1PM.

Took both boys to the airport to meet their wonderful Dada.

In the evening, we had a fantastic family dinner for 8, including our nephew, 26 years old, who is a really sharp kid.

Coincidentally, today my new vanity plates came in.

They read, simply, "HAPPINESS."

Perfect timing, DMV.

He will be home tomorrow at noon

2007-08-19T21:19:00.000-04:00

To My Dear and Loving Husband

by Anne Bradstreet

IF ever two were one then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee;
If ever wife were happy in a man,
Compare with me, ye women, if you can.
I prize thy love more than whole mines of gold
Or all the riches that the East doth hold.
My love is such that rivers cannot quench,
Nor aught but love from thee give recompense.
Thy love is such I can no way repay,
The heavens reward thee manifold, I pray.
Then while we live, in love let's so perservere
That when we live no more, we may live ever.

That's a lot of chips!

2007-08-19T10:16:00.000-04:00

Q: How many pounds of potato chips do Americans scarf down each year?

A: 2 *billion*

"Dear Dada, Please Come Home"

2007-08-19T10:06:00.000-04:00

He did this drawing all by himself.

Attention pregnant ladies! Happy apple news!

2007-08-18T15:40:00.000-04:00

A University of Aberdeen project has found that pre-birth apples 'benefit babies.'Children of mothers who eat plenty of apples during pregnancy are less likely to develop asthma, research suggests.

They quizzed 2,000 mothers-to-be on their eating habits, looked at their child's health over five years, and found that those who ate four or more apples a week while preggo were half as likely to have an asthmatic child compared with those who ate one or fewer.

Fantastic! Makes me so happy to read that, because I ate plenty of apples while pregnant with each of my little miracles.

It's not about me.

2007-08-17T11:31:00.000-04:00

What to do when someone hurts your feelings, deeply?

You turn to your family and friends who know what kind of person you are, realize that you have a lot of love and support, and remember that not everyone is going to respond positively to you.

I fear for my older son, who wants everyone to like him and approve of him and what he does. Just like his mama.

That character trait has caused me many disappointments in the past. I am trying to stop and think another way, to realize that it's not all about me and that the rejector has some sort of problem/reason that I can't know, or can't understand. And that the reason doesn't matter.

It's not about me.

For the most part, I succeed in realizing that , and it has made me a much happier person. But there is still a gut reaction of sadness and insecurity at first, when I encounter rejection. My parents never taught me how to deal with that -- probably because *they* were the primary source, and still are, to some degree.

How to teach my son to deal with this... I am somewhat stumped.

I don't know what to tell him the first time he comes to me with this issue. All I can think of is, "Not everyone is going to like you , and you won't like everyone."

But what on earth to say when he responds with the inevitable, "Why?"

2007-08-15T22:05:00.000-04:00

Not much to report tonight.

A lot of pain. Every old injury I've ever had has flared up, just as the doctor predicted. I braved it without any pain killers, even though my darned lower back feels exactly like a toothache.

Unlike before, lying down hurts, too. Bah.

I'd rather talk about four reasons why I'm happy:

1) There are a few days left and my honey comes home to us

2) Boom got the teacher I wanted him to have for K4. A Russian lady-- she is fantastic. He will have a wonderful year.

3) My new Mooncup UK, smaller size, has arrived. Can't wait to try it.

4) Today I received 4 young ancistrus from a doctor who, as a hobby, keeps some wonderful fish.

My Real Age- Calculation Results

2007-08-14T22:18:00.000-04:00

Today, August 14, 2007, your RealAge, ROSE, is 41.8!

Your RealAge was calculated by assessing over 100 different health factors, from lifestyle to genetics to medical history. The factors that are aging you, the costs, are counterbalanced by the things you are doing right.

Take the Realage.com test

Well, hell. I'll take that, especially when I had such a crappy X-ray evaluation at the chiropractor's today!

Last vertebrae show degeneration (degeneration!) spinal curvature is, I quote Dr. Z., "horrible." I have a touch of scoliosis, I have compression in my mid-back, plus bone spurs, and a crooked neck with more bone spurs. Oh, yeah, and an unbalanced pelvis, too. Woohoo!

No wonder everything hurts.

The good news: it can be managed, I can get to where I am out of pain, and if I take care of myself, it won't get any worse.

The bad news: I have to go to treatment 3 times a week for 8 weeks, and I can't exercise at all for a while. And, it's gonna hurt more at first, because he says things have healed improperly, and those adhesions have to be broken before we get them healed again, properly, so I can get some flexibility in my spine.

Maybe the rest of me is 41.8 My spine-- bah--I'm too sexy for my spine!

Right Said Fred, anyone?

Pass the waist trimming gizmos

2007-08-13T22:10:00.000-04:00

Studies have shown waist size is clearly linked with heart attack, stroke and heart disease risk.

Even if people are not overweight, those with larger waistlines are more likely to show the early signs of heart disease than those with smaller waists.

Researchers used magnetic resonance imaging and electron beam computed tomography scans to look for early signs of clogged arteries and found a direct relationship between waist size and early indications of heart disease, regardless of the patients' overall weight.

The smaller a person's waist, the clearer his or her arteries were observed to be.

After accounting for high cholesterol, high blood pressure and other known heart factors, the researchers found that weight alone did not predict a person's chances of having early artery clogging.

Waist size, however, did.

Shit.

Movelat (did they intend to have it sound like Move a lot?)

2007-08-11T22:59:00.000-04:00

While going medicine cabinet diving this afternoon, I found some Movelat cream that I brought back from Europe for my mom, who has a bad knee. Of course, she refused to even try it, and then moved to Arizona (um, not because of the cream) so here the unopened tube sat.

Today I tried it. I thought I was just imagining that it does work, but apparently, it is a topical prostaglandin blocker.

I am nervous about this prostaglandin blocker thing. Who would have thought that a chemical in your body that causes uterine contractions, pain and inflammation would also protect the stomach lining from acid damage and support the platelets and blood clotting?

The human body never ceases to amaze me. I should have gone ahead and tried for medical school.

Anyway... the hip is slightly better. But aside from taking the boys to the park this morning, I did almost nothing. Spent a lot of time off my feet. And even more time thinking about things I don't have time to write about right now, because it is my bedtime.

My little curly-haired alarm "clock" wakes up at 7AM sharp. I want to be rested and all smiles when I head, sleepy-eyed, to his crib.

Not-so-guilty pleasure

2007-08-11T14:47:00.000-04:00

Laura's Wholesome Junk Foods should win some sort of prize.

I am in love with Xtreme Chocolate Fudge Bite-lettes.They do look like little dog shits, but I ignore that fact.

I found them at Whole Foods and now have at least 3 tubs in the house at all times.

2007-08-10T16:28:00.000-04:00

Today I spent most of my time in bed.

This is unheard of for me, as usually, I only sit down when I drive. I rarely like to sit even to eat my meals, but I do it for the kids, most of the time.

But this Friday, I took Boom to tennis lessons, which he loves so very much, and then went home and fed the kids and the fish, and went to bed at 11:30, with Biofreeze on my sore spots. I watched Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares and Great British Menu on the BBC, then dozed for an hour, my sweet, very happy cat by my side.

Right now, I am surfing the net while Stefan takes a nap and Boom watches TV.

At first, I was convinced I was going to go insane, but I am surprised to realize that I am enjoying this. I have not vegged like this (without having some sort of upper respiratory bug) since my pre-children days.

No pressure, just relaxation. Nothing to do, no one to take to school, no errands to run, no chores to do.

I am thinking of taking the kids to the basement to play this evening, while I do some sort of upper body workout.

The doctor said to stay off my feet. He did *not* say not to lift weights!

Doctor Z halts Pilates

2007-08-09T22:02:00.000-04:00

The SI pain got much worse this morning and I went to see yet another chiropractor, the one who cured my sister-in-law's sciatica. Very thorough and knowledgeable (former anatomy professor) and he has been treating backs for over 20 years. The consultation and exam took over an hour.

Bad news: the SI joint is inflamed and I have some other mid-spinal and neck issues going on, which are going to require lots of ice packs and treatments 3 times a week. The first one is Tuesday at 10.

Here is the nearly impossible part: he said to stay off my feet for 2 weeks (GAH!) That means no walking and, of course, no Pilates.

So, I am going to have to cancel next week's classes. No yoga, either. The funny thing is that he suggested I need to lose about 30 pounds. Yah-- as if I didn't already know it. And how the heck am I gonna lose my 30 pounds if I am put on bedrest?

The good news: he said he had a patient with the exact same problem, who is now into kickboxing. He said he is confident that he can get me back to full-power exercise.

So, I will be doing a lot of reading to my boys.

And a lot of thinking about how absolutely blessed I am to have only a minor problem that isn't life-threatening.

'Cause lately, I have been thinking a lot about life, and the cards we each are dealt. How there are no guarantees, and how each day is a very precious gift to be savored and enjoyed.

I want to slow down time, and grab as much of it is as I possibly can. Make every day a joyous event, full of happiness and laughter and love.

I want to be physically and emotionally able to do things that delight, entertain and educate my sons. I want to tackle my problems with a positive outlook and a confident smile on my face.

And go to bed each night thinking that, yes, I *am* the mother I wish I had.

Roll out the barrel

2007-08-08T21:33:00.000-04:00

Too tired to write much except to report that class was wonderful-- and a bitch-- today.

It boggles my mind that something that does not look strenuous at all can make you sweat bullets and have your muscles shaking as they try to do what is required of them.

Today I did barrel work. Tortu...err, exercise device is above.

Mari watches like a hawk. There is absolutely no cheating under her watchful eye, and every exercise must be done with precision.

Unfortunately, my back and SI pain are always there, always, always, always.

I am calling another chiropractor tomorrow. Oh, and the yoga lady, too!

"All this weight."

2007-08-07T22:22:00.000-04:00

I have become fascinated-OK, obsessed- with fish.
I am now the proud owner of 30 betta tanks (yes, thirty) most of them 3.5 gallon, one 10 gallon, which I keep for quarantining new fish, and a wonderful 80 gallon stocked with peaceful community fish. Oh, and one 3.5 gallon that contains three dwarf African frogs.

I'm having a great time learning, and boy, there is a lot to learn. I also need to stay off Aquabid. I ended up getting betta from Thailand and Indonesia, all because of the temptation of that darned site.

Recently, on Aquabid, I came upon this listing, and became fascinated with discus. I found out that in the beginning, mama and dad discus keep their babies, called fry, on their heads (!) and produce a substance on their skin that the fry eat. When one parent gets too annoyed with this process, he or she shakes the fry off, and the other parent takes over for a while.

I keep thinking about this while my husband is away.

My fry are constantly on my head, LOL. I'm it-- no one to take them off for me.

Thank goodness I *have* to go see Mari, or else I'm sure I would stop exercising.

Today I so didn't feel like doing anything. Plus, I was so nervous and rushed, and I had a hard time concentrating. Ugh. I got into it halfway through the hour, but felt so scattered for the first half.

"Rose," Mari asked at one point, "have you been doing cardio?"

CARdio? Are you kidding? With this cough, and with all the 2 million things on my list?

"Um...no..."

"Well, if you do cardio, it will help you lose all this weight."

Groooooooooannnn.

Gimme a break, lady.

I'm really busy being a forkin' discus for two weeks.

Booze before lunch

2007-08-05T11:41:00.001-04:00

I have always been afraid of alcohol.

My father's whole family, with the exception of him and his mom, drank, and drank themselves to an early, cirrhosis-induced grave. Grandpa, a hardened man who returned home drunk most nights to beat his wife and terrified 7 children, died at 62 of throat cancer, the result of drinking, combined with an evil pack-a-day habit of unfiltered cigarettes.

So it should be logical, then, that I have avoided alcohol for most of my life.

Until I had children.

That coincided with the findings that a little bit of booze is actually good for you. As long as you don't overdo it. According to the Mayo Clinic,

Moderate alcohol consumption may provide some health benefits. It may:

*Reduce your risk of developing heart disease, peripheral vascular disease and intermittent claudication
*Reduce your risk of dying of a heart attack
*Possibly reduce your risk of strokes, particularly ischemic strokes
*Lower your risk of gallstones
*Possibly reduce your risk of diabetes

I would add, it reduces the risk of being a grumpy bitch to your innocent children.

So today, at 11 AM, I did something unprecedented: took a small shot glass, gave it a sugar rim, and poured myself a couple of tablespoons of Herradura Seleccion Suprema, a very special bottle of fragrant, fine tequila that we brought back from Cancun.

I didn't even drink it all. I still have half left.

It did relax me, it did warm me up, and it did take the edge off the first day of what I know will be a very long two weeks. Because I love my husband with all my heart and soul. And while putting his previous night's T-shirt to my face to inhale his comforting scent may help, it still doesn't cut it.

Booze before lunchtime.

And alone, to boot.

I know it's OK-- but still, part of me freaks out and screams, "ALCOHOLIC!" even as I put the glass to my lips and sip.

D@mned cough is back

2007-08-05T00:06:00.000-04:00

Spent the day coughing, drinking hot liquids to soothe my sore chest, and alternately cleaning fish tanks and resting in bed.

Exercise was out of the question.

I really hope tomorrow is a better day.

I need to be healthy, and I need to be strong.

Because I'm on my own for two whole weeks. No big, strong arms to envelop me at the end of the day. Only four little, needy, fragile arms, asking everything of me.

For some reason, this morning I researched flights to Vegas. My husband jokingly asked me if I was looking to run away. LOL.

Nope. Just ... looking.

I thumb my nose at tampons and pads

2007-08-02T15:35:00.000-04:00

When I go to the store nowadays, I shake my head and sneer at the endless products in the feminine hygiene aisle. Not because I have entered menopause. That will not happen for a couple of years, going by my family history.

I have discovered the Mooncup UK.

I am no longer in period hell every few weeks. Bye bye, endless tampons in 3 sizes, pads of all kinds, fear of running out, of leaving lord knows what gross thing, or even applicator, for someone to discover in the trash. No more leaks, no more dryness, no more feeling of pressure from that awful tampon pushing on my cervix. My only regret is that I didn't find out about this wonderful invention until last month.

Yesterday, I put it to good use when I worked out with Mari for an hour. She is working me harder and harder. Had me doing push ups with my shins on an exercise ball, as in the above pic.

This, after various other positions seemed easy to me. Well, shin/ball push ups are evil. I squeezed out five.

By Tuesday next week, I intend to be able to do ten.

Cold gone, back to the program

2007-07-31T23:29:00.000-04:00

Well, I managed to beat the cold from hell all by myself, with no antibiotics.

Today I saw Mari and went through a rigorous one-hour workout.

Will do the same tomorrow.

Yesterday I went to an otolaryngologist who looked inside my nose with a small camera. He declared that what he sees is normal, and fired off a prescription for Flonase, saying that it is "very gentle."

Whaa?

This thing is a steroid, people! The fine print says, "While using Flonase, tell your doctor if you have severe or ongoing nose bleed, vision problems, sores in the nose that won't heal, or if you have fever, body aches, chills, or flu symptoms."

Sheesh! I am trying to feel better, not worse!

He also ordered a cat scan of my sinuses.

I went outside, chucked the order and the prescription, and got myself to Whole Foods, where I found the spray in the picture. Similasan Sinus Relief. No side effects, no burning, no scary fine print, and wouldn't you know, it works like magic. I can smell things I have not been able to smell in years.

I think I need to find myself a naturopathic doctor. When faced with a choice, rather than immediately taking a machine gun to that fly, I'd rather try the good ol' fly swatter first, thank you very much.

Journey-- blast from the 80s, made famous again by the Sopranos

2007-07-28T17:58:00.000-04:00

We interrupt this exercise blog to bring you the video I am playing incessantly.

Steve's voice is just one of a kind, and Neil's guitar (at 0:46) simply rocks!

WAAA-WA--WAAA-WOOOOOO!

I so love electric guitar!

Enjoy!

Journey-- Don't Stop Believin'

Repost from Whymommy.com-- Something all women should know

2007-07-26T17:25:00.000-04:00

Recently, I came upon a blog of a lovely woman with two beautiful boys, who found out she has inflammatory breast cancer. It is a sneaky, stealthy thing that can show up without there being a lump.

Here are her words, which I repost here. It is so very important that all women are aware of this. Here's hoping it can help someone.

We hear a lot about breast cancer these days. One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetimes, and there are millions living with it in the U.S. today alone. But did you know that there is more than one type of breast cancer?

I didn’t. I thought that breast cancer was all the same. I figured that if I did my monthly breast self-exams, and found no lump, I’d be fine.

Oops. It turns out that you don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer. Six weeks ago, I went to my OB/GYN because my breast felt funny. It was red, hot, inflamed, and the skin looked…funny. But there was no lump, so I wasn’t worried. I should have been. After a round of antibiotics didn’t clear up the inflammation, my doctor sent me to a breast specialist and did a skin punch biopsy. That test showed that I have inflammatory breast cancer, a very aggressive cancer that can be deadly.

Inflammatory breast cancer is often misdiagnosed as mastitis because many doctors have never seen it before and consider it rare. “Rare” or not, there are over 100,000 women in the U.S. with this cancer right now; only half will survive five years. Please call your OB/GYN if you experience several of the following symptoms in your breast, or any unusual changes: redness, rapid increase in size of one breast, persistent itching of breast or nipple, thickening of breast tissue, stabbing pain, soreness, swelling under the arm, dimpling or ridging (for example, when you take your bra off, the bra marks stay – for a while), flattening or retracting of the nipple, or a texture that looks or feels like an orange (called peau d’orange). Ask if your GYN is familiar with inflammatory breast cancer, and tell her that you’re concerned and want to come in to rule it out.

There is more than one kind of breast cancer. Inflammatory breast cancer is the most aggressive form of breast cancer out there, and early detection is critical. It’s not usually detected by mammogram. It does not usually present with a lump. It may be overlooked with all of the changes that our breasts undergo during the years when we’re pregnant and/or nursing our little ones. It’s important not to miss this one.

Inflammatory breast cancer is detected by women and their doctors who notice a change in one of their breasts. If you notice a change, call your doctor today. Tell her about it. Tell her that you have a friend with this disease, and it’s trying to kill her. Now you know what I wish I had known before six weeks ago.

You don’t have to have a lump to have breast cancer.

Getting sick

2007-07-21T23:04:00.000-04:00

Sore throat and sneezing. Slightly stuffy nose.

Crap.