I've Gotta Relax

The hardest thing for me is to give myself a break. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to being critical and intransigent.

Ever since I had children, I have had to modify my behavior and attitude in so many different ways. I realize they look to me for behavior to mirror, and I want happy, calm, confident, respectful kids. I have to be what I want them to be, because I am the one they copy.

I fight with my own rigidity on a daily basis. The other day, I felt triumphant because I took the kids to a Mexican place and I actually allowed Boomer to have chips *gasp* before his meal. I need to relax, not only emotionally, but physically, as well, because people who don't relax are people who never have fun, are always drained, and are no fun to live with.

I also have a problem with perfectionism. If I can't do something perfectly, then I put it off, or don't do it at all. This is something I recognize in myself that has got to change. Especially since I tend to do it with exercise, too. If I don't do a tough workout, I tend to feel as if I've failed. If I take a day off, I may take 3, then 5, then I get discouraged and eat more, and more poorly, because, hey, if I haven't worked out, I may as well go all the way and be "bad," and eat that 2,000 calorie hot fudge sundae, since my program is shot anyway.

Not good, and it doesn't make sense. Plus, it overrides all the hard work I've put in so far.

Yesterday I had to take a day off, and I had a lot of trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that I needed rest, my ankle needed a break, and that resting is part of the fitness process, because muscles get stronger when you are not working out. I managed to get through the day without beating myself up, and I ate with respect for my body in mind.

Today, instead of working out at 4, I fell asleep. Stefan was napping, Boomer was drinking his afternoon milk and watching Scooby Doo in my bed, and despite my best intentions to rest a while and then work out, I dozed off beside him. Quiet, snuggly toddlers are the best to cuddle with, and when they are peaceful, my children are extremely soothing to me. I allowed myself to relax, and my body decided it was time to shut down.

I forgot to say that my husband has a bad cold, and I have been feeling it trying to get me for days, but my body is fighting it off. I woke up very sweaty this morning. This afternoon I had a low-grade headache. I had several reasons why it should have been perfectly OK to rest without guilt, but I am still not there yet.

The other day, to celebrate 2 months, I fed my exercise video addiction and I ordered some advanced workouts from the good folks at Collage Video. What I love about this company is that they try all the workouts themselves, they don't carry fluff, they have reviews and detailed descriptions of what you get, and you can get entire sets, such as something you see in an infommercial, all at one time instead of signing up for a video every couple of weeks.

The package came in the afternoon, so I gleefully dug into it and chose Romana's Pilates: Powerhouse Mat, led by an 80-year-old woman who learned Pilates in the 1930s from Joseph himself.

Holy crap.

You know how you get somewhere and feel good about where you are, then something comes along and makes you realize you're not even halfway there?
This is serious stuff. Windsor Pilates is a bunch o'jumpin'fools, compared to this. The fact that my husband came home in the middle of me struggling to do a frikkin' situp, and came over to hold my ankles so I could actually make it, was humbling.

OK, so Boomer was in the way, too, with his legs over his head, LOL. I'd rather he copy me trying to be limber than me sitting in front of the Boob Tube stuffin' cookies.