Very, very, very tired and frustrated with these colds.
Both boys are sick, yet again.
One of Boom's presents was a pair of very coveted football game tickets. He has 102 fever-- it doesn't look like a go at this point.
I was up most of the night because of his coughing.
I am hearing "Mama" every 10 seconds.
Have I mentioned that I am so frikkin' tired of staying in the house every weekend, taking care of sick people? I want to go out and do something, for pete's sake.
Please, please, Cold Fairy, go to someone else's house. You've overstayed your welcome here.

There is so much going on here, especially in my head, that things are beginning to slide off my plate in large chunks.

The hours in the day seem short, and I keep reminding myself to stop and enjoy.

If only I could feel as if I've accomplished a lot at the end of each day, insted of falling farther and farther behind, I would feel fabulous. I feel as if I'm putting out small fires, while the large one rages on, right behind me, burning my butt cheeks once in a while. I turn, squirt some water at the flames, temporarily putting the heat at bay, knowing it will come to burn me in the ass in a matter of days-- or even hours.

It isn't helping that Thursday is the one year anniversary of my mother-in-law's death, and it doesn't help realizing that this will be the day before my husband's birthday, every single year of the remainder of our lives. Puts a sad shadow on his birthday, and Christmas, and New Year's, holidays which used to be full of joy and enjoyment for us.

I am working to think of a way to give all of it meaning, and not have it just be a day where the kids get a lot of toys.

Well, my older son is here whining, so I don't even have the luxury of blogging in peace. Gotta go.
Have I mentioned that lately, I have no peace?

Causes of Stress

You know what causes stress?

• Too much to do, and not enough time in which to do it.
• People hired to help, who do not do what they are supposed to, therefore adding to your load (which you thought you had paid to lighten.) Having to sit down and make detailed lists, describing what you need, or just muttering "fuck it" and doing it yourself, because it's quicker. Feeling as if you're pouring money, earned with sweat and tears, down the toilet. Looking for replacements, and not finding anyone.
• Too much *stuff* cluttering your home. Piles of papers and catalogs that, if you turn your back, you can swear you hear multiplying.
• Toys. Toys, toys, toys, toys, toys, toys. Especially the noise-making ones, and the ones with parts that get separated from the main toy, thereby rendering it unusable. Of course, you keep hoping you will get mother and satellite toy together at some point, so you don't throw out any of them.
• Workmen in the home. Things that repeatedly break, making it necessary for said workmen to show up again and again. Workmen showing up late and staying all day, including during what is supposed to be the little ones' nap time. Ohhh, this one is a biggie for me.
• Not being able to sleep...again. Waking up at 2AM in a cold sweat. Feeling threatened, and not knowing when, or if, the threat is really coming.
• Having to go to New York on business for 3 days and worrying about everything at home that you've *just* managed to get balanced (including your kids' complicated diets, complete with herbal drops and different supplements, 3 times a day.) Wishing you could just stay home, because things will fall apart and your children will be sad. Feeling as if you're going away at their emotional and physical expense. Being pissed about not being excited and happy to go to Pre-Christmas in New York. Putting off packing because you're just too damned tired.
• Feeling as if your problems are minor, that you have no right to be stressed over these things, thinking people would give a lot to have your problems instead of their own.

Well, at least the boys' ear infections are gone.

Exhausted.

I ran full steam on 5 hours of sleep, and I am just too old to do that anymore.

Took both boys to Dr. Z. today. Boom and Stefan, he says, need to be adjusted 3 times a week to begin with. I have so many thoughts on this, just too tired to type them out right now.

I don't know if it was the exhaustion, the ear infections, all the school the boys are missing, or the thought that I should take these kids to be adjusted three times a week (*I* just got rid of the crazy three times a week regimen!) that made me sad, sad, sad today. I caught myself just looking at the sky and zoning out. If I hadn't convinced myself, some time ago, not to focus on the lows, and never again to be dragged into the pit of depression, this would have been a real get under the covers and don't talk to anyone kind of a day.

So, I kissed my kids a lot. Hugged them, smelled them, held their tiny hands, felt the tiny bones of their little wrists. And looked at them. My treasures. What am I going to do when they're grown, and they no longer need me?

Later, I dragged myself into the sunshine, purchased ingredients, and cooked. Dinner was 2 kinds of chicken -- herb butter and spicy Jamaican jerk, with extra spices, this corn pudding, grilled veggies, and leftover cheese flan and birthday cake. When my husband came home very late after his gruelling day today, I was able to produce a really nice plate to put in front of him.
This made my soul very happy. There is something very primal in the nurturing of your family. Feeding. It is so basic. And an instant ego booster, if there ever was one.

So, it all ended OK. I'm off to grab some really good sleep so I can be smiling self again tomorrow.

And tomorrow-- well, tomorrow I'm making chef Ramsay's lime panna cotta.

This morning we had our follow up, and the ear infections are still there in both boys. Not as bad, but definitely still there. Poor Boom is having some trouble hearing, if spoken to too quietly.

At this point, the doctor is pretty sure that it is Streptococcus pneumoniae, because the darned thing is so resistant to antibiotics. She wants me to keep the boys home for at least another 3 days, because she doesn't want then reinfected with anything else at this point, when they are both so weak.

We are on antibiotics for another 10 days. This in addition to 14 days for the first treatment, and 5 days for the second.

This. So. Sucks.

What doesn't suck:

Great Dr. Z. appointment today. I lifted 140 pounds! Tomorrow I take both boys to him. If adjustments will help, then so be it. I'm willing to try anything.

Also, I made a great dinner, inspired by the recipes in Gordon Ramsay's book. There is a wine sauce in there that works with pork very beautifully-- and it is ridiculously easy to make. That, and cheese flan for dessert, made it a very gourmet dinner :)

I'm loving cooking as never before. And, I have to admit, I'm also loving having the boys home.

Oh, goody. I found a website that will surely help with my birthday and Christmas shopping!

I am thinking of getting Boom Dance Dance Revolution. The child absolutely adores sports and any kind of physical activity-- he's old enough for this, I think! I just hope he doesn't want me to do it with him, LOL. All that jumping would give me a headache.