I am in pain.

It is bordering on burning, and there is no way I can avoid lifting, especially when my little one is sick-- again. He just finished getting over his second bug, and the third one hit yesterday. Sneezing up a storm, snot all over, calling me "Baba."

Today, he wanted mama, and no one else would do. I got away with explaining that I can't pick him up right now, but that was only a few times. I lifted and cuddled and lifted some more. After I put him to bed and he cried and cried, I went in there and he said, "I'm not feeling well!" and put up those sweet little hands. What is a mama to do? Of course I picked him up and comforted him.

So, my back muscles are shot. My neck can barely hold up my noggin. I can't believe I am back to square one. I did my best to enjoy the weekend around the pain, but with my husband pretty sick, too, I had to ask for his help constantly (because otherwise, the poor guy just sat and tried to rest) and felt bad about not being able to do it all myself.

I did almost get frustrated. Almost.

But-- I can't seem to get angry or worked up anymore, when it comes to my kids and husband. It's really weird to be basically very happy. I almost feel as if I should not be so "laid back," but I am looking at life a new way these days. I focus on diffusing tension instead of getting caught up in it. When there is crying and fussing around me, instead of feeling my stomach clench, I cunjure up the wonderful Mexican beach where I found peace.

I am in pain. But I am happy.

"Crushed" again

After waking up stiff and with a painful jaw this morning, I called Dr. Z. to see if I can sneak in.

Diagnosis:

Concussion (mild, but I still have a bruised brain)
neck strain
stiff posterior neck muscles
pulled anterior neck muscles
compressed neck vertebrae
compressed back vertebrae

I can't exercise for a week.
I told them I got back on the ice after it happened, and they said I am a crazy lady.
But-- he said I was lucky. It could have been much worse, and he thinks I will bounce back from this in about a week.

If at first you don't succeed...

Went ice skating again today.

I got a hockey helmet, slapped it on, and looking dorky, I had 40 minutes of fun.

Am thinking of taking a few lessons, just to improve my technique. And I need some other skates, because the ones I have torture the big toe on my left foot! I am considering Jackson Softec. I only wish I could find them locally so I could try them on!

Hello, TMD

Today I thought I'd try a fun way of doing cardio: ice skating.

I bought a warm vest, cheapie skates, purchased a ticket to the local ice rink, and stepped onto the ice, something I had not done in, oh, 20 years. The last time I regularly skated, however, was 1974.

Wobbly at first, I gradually gained my "ice legs," and was doing really well until I hit a dip in the ice with my toe pick. Instead of letting myself fall forward, as I should have, I tried to keep from falling, resulting in slipping backwards, slamming the back of my skull on the ice, and screwing up my right elbow (yes, the one I previously injured falling on, ironically, ice.) Immediately, I felt pain in my ears.

Long story short: I somehow injured my temporomandibular joint. Both sides hurt, right in front of my ears and over my jaw when I move my mouth, chew, or even swallow.

I will refrain from using the f-word here today. But you can bet it is all I have been thinking for the past 3 hours, since this happened, as I slowly but surely get a doozy of a headache.

My husband is away on business until tomorrow evening.

The good part of this? I won't be able to eat without pain, so I guess my food intake will be lower.

Ha.

Do not pass GO, do not collect $200

Major frikkin' setback.

Yesterday, Dr. Z. decided to try ultrasound therapy. It caused a flareup of my lower back/SI joint, and now I am hobbling around, frustrated and thinking this will *never* go away.

Here I was, with almost no pain, the light plainly visible in the tunnel, when WHAM, back to where I started.

This so sucks.

Yesterday, my OB told me she was surprised that my kids are skinny, because "both you and your husband are hefty people."

Today at my lesson with Mari, she told me, again, how I need to do cardio because I need to lose at least 10 pounds.

What...the...fuck?

I get it already, OK? I run around hungry most of the time, grazing on power foods that would make 90% of people roll their eyes, and I barely sit all day long. How the hell am I supposed to do so much exercise if I am injured?

I get it. I am doing something about it. I just need everyone to shut the hell up.

Good riddance, Paragard

The IUD came out today. I am so glad to be rid of it, darned foreign object. It never felt right from the very beginning, unlike the one I had before kids. Many times, especially at night, I would be aware of it, if I turned a certain way. It poked, it ached, it was *there*.

My OB asked what I intend to do, and I said, " Nothing."

"But what if you get pregnant?"
I just smiled and shrugged.
It is unlikely that another baby will show up, since we had to do a bit of Clomid convincing to coax Stefan into the world.

OK, so I am secretly hoping some miracle will show up. But don't tell my husband!

Only the sky is blue here

I am so happy.

Zero pain today. Nothing hurts, not even my hip.

I have been on a high all day long.

And, oh, what a beautiful blue sky I saw this morning. I longed for a camera to capture the wonder of it.

Hope your day was as good as mine.

Read Flowers in the Snow.

Where's the fire?

Back from a wonderful vacation, and I have been running at full tilt.

Wake up, get everyone ready, cook breakfast, make lunches, take the boys to preschool, rush home, get as much as I can done in 3 hours, (today it was closet shakedown-- Stefan's) get them from preschool, go to treatment, come back, get dinner started...

Today was especially busy, because I had a Pilates session. It went very well, and it was great to break a sweat again.

After that, I rushed to the doctor, then home, scarfed down a salad for dinner (Ladurée style, I need to post the recipe!) and then had to go to PTA night. They call it PTO, but I see no reason to :P

Whew! I am tired! I should have been sleeping an hour ago, as my days start at 6:30.

I am happy to report, however, that my back pain is....zero! Hip is still bothering me, but it sure is wonderful not to feel creaky in the spine!

I have so many things to post to my other blog, but right now, sleep is the priority.

Gee, I hope our fire alarm doesn't go off at 6:30AM, again. What a racket this morning: "WHOOP, WHOOP, fire, fire... WEE-WOOOO, WEEEEE-WOOOO!"

It was, however, cool to have a huge ladder truck and a fireman in full regalia show up, bright and early, because even though we told the alarm company there was no fire, the law still required him to show up, to my delight, LOL.

"Did he look cool?" I asked my husband, who had answered the door hiding behind it, 'cause he was in his skivvies.

"Yeah."

Big, huge grin on my face. (Once a firehouse gal, always a firehouse gal... those were the days...)

I guess my hotfooting it tripped the silly smoke detector, because we still have not found the cause of our early morning alarm. Let's just do the clock radio tomorrow morning, like normal people , OK?

Bonjour, Fatty

So, on Sunday we boarded United Airlines and flew to Paris. This was my birthday present this year-- one fabulous week of Europe (we fly to Zurich for a day tomorrow) and time with my husband.

We had had to hire a private detective to find my husband's old Army buddy, one of his best friends. He had been Best Man at our wedding, they'd been that close. We had lost contact over 17 years ago, and really wanted to know what had become of him.

With much nervousness, I prepared to meet with this guy who had not seen us in so long. Watched what I ate for weeks. Outfit carefully chosen and changed into right before landing (I never do that) makeup done, hair combed. I was actually happy with myself. The airport bathroom mirror told me I looked pretty good.

"Wow! You haven't changed a bit!" I told him as we hugged, because he did look far better than what I imagined, given his draconic smoking habit.

Um... he didn't say a thing.

In the car, on the way to our hotel, we talked about kids (he has a 4-year-old daughter) and family and birthdays.

"You have so many celebrations in winter," he said.

"Yes, Thanksgiving, then Stefan's birthday, then Boom's birthday, then my husband's, then Chrismas and New Year's... I have to make one cake after another," I joked.

"It shows, Rose, it shows," he said, somewhat disparagingly.

Total deflation.

Ugh.

That is what happens with close friends-- they will be brutally honest.

But...

I'm having a wonderful time.

The weather is perfect.

I have my husband, and my time, all to myself.

And if I'm going to leave my babies behind, who sound so wistful and say they "want me back" whenever I call, then I'm gonna have a blast, dammit.

Pass that croissant.

PS-- they lost all our luggage. We finally got it delivered after 2 days.

Anger.

Someone, please get the knife out of my back.

It started stabbing this evening, after a whole day of achy discomfort.

If you suddenly have a problem, my husband always says, undo the last change you made.

The last change I made was a Pilates lesson. A very easy one, dammit.

Elegantly put:

Shit.

Staying the course

The good news is, I got to do Pilates today.

The bad news is, my SI injury flared up because of it.

Dr. Z. wasn't very happy. he thinks the exercises he teaches me, plus walking, should be all I need to keep strong and fit. "Why do you want to do Pilates?" he asked me.
"Because I like that the exercises involve as much mind as body, and because every woman I have seen who does it on a regular basis looks great."

He told me the people who look great that you see are "the survivors." That not everyone who does it will stick with it, just like a gym membership.

The thought of giving up my newfound exercise has me very disappointed, so I have every intention of staying with Mari and her wonderful instruction. Going there makes me happy. And, I grudgingly admit, it's nice to have an older woman, a mother figure, in my life. Her reassuring presence gives me comfort, and I need that.

My next Pilates lesson is a week from Wednesday. I will be there.

Read Flowers in the Snow

Well, tomorrow is the day. I go back to Pilates, with the doctor's blessing.
I am happy and scared at the same time. Given that I am feeling better, I very much want to avoid regressing.
Bone-tired. I have been getting an average of 6 hours of sleep a night, with no nap time during the day.
It's only 8PM and I already am thinking of going to bed. I have so many chores to do, but they will have to wait until tomorrow.
In other news, someone I just met a month ago, who was going to be working with my husband for a very long time, died suddenly yesterday.
He was 42.
His wife of only 9 months found him slumped in his easy chair, and assumed he was asleep. Except that he wasn't. When she called and he didn't get up to come to dinner, she went to shake him and realized he was cold.
Given my train of thought lately, I didn't take this very well. They had been trying to have kids, with no success. She had asked me for fertility advice. Sad, so sad.
Boom is here, and I have to give hugs and kisses.
I am so grateful that I am here, and can do that.

My second blog-- Flowers in the Snow

14

Three days and nights of Stefan having 103 to 104.5 temps have left all of us frazzled and exhausted.
Today what was supposed to have been two well-visits turned into one well visit with three surprise shots(!)and one sick visit.
Only four days into school, Stefan picked up one heck of a virus, some herpes beast that shows no other symptoms except lack of appetite, fever and, I, found out today, a white patch on his tonsil. Poor little guy.
One thing that made me grin all afternoon: both boys have a BMI of 14.
LOL.
Wish I could get some of that from all the kisses I give them.

Thoughts of the end, and a beginning

Death permeates my thoughts, of late.

Going about my daily routine, I sometimes glance in the mirror, and pause to scrutinize the face staring back at me. I see the undeniable etchings of time, and realize I'm staring half a century in the face, if not squarely, then surely glimpsing it as I round that next bend.

It isn't only age that turns my thoughts to the inevitable. It is the love I have for my children, a love far more ferocious, neverending and desperate than I ever imagined.

I have other thoughts along this dark, depressing alley: If, by some horrible chop of fate, I go tomorrow, what is there left of me for my kids? When asked, years later, about their mother, what will they have to say?

On Mother's day this year, the teacher had the preschoolers answer some questions about their mothers. My son said my name was "Mama" and that my favorite thing to do was "laundry."

While this melted my heart with its simple adorableness, it shocked me to realize that, to him, I am a nameless person whose ultimate joy is washing underpants and sweaty socks on Sundays.

That is so...basic.

I want to be so much more than basic, to my children.

Which is why I think it's time to supplement this superficial blog about weight and looks, and start a second journal, writing on a much deeper level.

Why start another blog, you ask, when there are as many on the Internet as there are sand fleas on a camel?

Because, if my expiration date is near, (or even if it's far, and hopefully, it is) years from now I want my children to have something of me aside from old clothes, dusty shoes and pixels of moments in time.

I want them to have the glasses through which I view the world. I want to show them the paths I've trodden, those over which I flew, and those I was afraid to take.

And hopefully, they'll find a shiny nugget or two, in the silt of experience I've gathered over forty-four-plus years.

I have no title for it yet.

But I can promise content.

Join me.

Too much money, too little sense

"The Insider" has obtained new papers in the custody battle between BRITNEY SPEARS and her ex-husband, KEVIN FEDERLINE, in which Kevin's attorney asserts that Britney's monthly income is $737,868.

Wow.

Wow.